Early Monday Morning

It's 7:30 Monday morning, and I'm awake after only 4 hrs of sleep. I'm going back to bed in a little while.
I am also working on a really indepth and maybe long post on enduring tests and trials along the road of life and how the family of God, more importantly a church family can help a person through those hard times.
Hopefully I'll have it up and ready by tonight.

Have a happy Monday!!
PS:
Yesterday was the 14th anniv of the OKC bombing and today is the 10th anniv. of the Columbine shootings. Please join with the to remember and pray for all the victims and their families.

Big Day in Small Babies Lives

There are some babies in my prayer list that are having a BIG day today. And I'd like to write and ask for prayers for them today.

First off is, Kayleigh. She was born 6-08 weighing 1lb 1oz. Today, she's almost 10mts old, but has never left her bed in the NICU. She's fought so hard to live and make it this far. This morning she is having surgery that will help her to be able to come home soon. She's having: a g-tube placed (feeding tube, directly into stomach), Nissen (surgery to connect esophagus and stomach tighter {helps keeping acid reflux away}), Bilateral Hernia Repair & a new Central Line Placement.
Please pray for Kayleigh. I've had 2 of the above surgeries before, but having 4 things at once is HUGE. Pray that she can make it safely through and pray for wisdom and steady hands for the Dr.'s and nurses.

Second, is Stellan. He, his mom, and a PICU nurse are flying to Boston today in prep for his heart surgery, sometime next week. Stellan took a turn for the worse earlier in the week, and that sealed it for him for the Boston trip. Please check out his page for more info as alot has happened this week.

Third is Dakota. After being home from the hospital for only 2 days, she made her entrance in the ER late Monday night with a fever of 105. The Dr.'s started her on heavy duty anti-biotics, and pulled her PICC line (thinking that was the source of the infection), well it's not or wasn't because as of 2am this morning her temp was 106. Please pray that the Dr.'s can find the source of the infection and get her fever under control. Please pray for her mom as this is the 4th hospitalization in almost as many weeks.

As for me, I am feeling good. Alot better than I did last week when everything first started. I got out of the house yesterday, and may do so again today. I spoke to 1 family member on the phone yesterday (first time I've talked to anyone in a week). My only issue is my sleep. Because the meds I'm on make me sleep during the day, when night rolls around I'm not tired. I try to sleep at night with the use of sleeping pills, but they do nothing. Please pray that I can get back on a regular sleep pattern and start sleeping soundly.

Friday night post

This has been a LONG week.
First off, Stellan is still hanging on. This week has been amazing as far as his life and his family are concerned. While he has been in the hospital fighting for his life, there has been a prayer blog set up for him here: http://prayingformckmuffin.blogspot.com/ and someone set up a prayer group for him on Facebook. I am in awe to see how so many strangers can come together to support, love, and pray for a 5 month old baby and his family, especially his mom.

I am still not feeling well. Well, actually I think I felt better for about 2 days, and now I feel bd again. Of course Texas weather isn't helping. For the past 3 days we have had thunderstorms and hail with each of them. We've had 2 cold fronts come through in a week and today it was 82 degrees and the wind was blowing really hard. The molds and tree pollen are really high, which is probably why I don't feel well.
My pain is getting worse. I have started a pain diary, in which I am writing down how many pills I take and when. I have taken much more these past few days that I thought I was.
I haven't slept much this week. My dog is terrified of thunderstorms (the thunder and lighting mostly), and she has been freaking out, which cause me to loose sleep because I have to be up with her to try to keep her calm.
I am hoping to sleep well tonight.

Well, that's all for now, I'm off to bed.

Early Monday Morning

It's 2:15am, and I can't sleep due to pain. I'm in more pain than usual because I ate more today, although I really didn't eat anything: 1/2 cup of ravioli, 1 piece of toast, 1 popcicle,1 jar of baby food, and that's it. I'm very naseauous too.
I'm calling my GI in the morning, although I can already hear him now telling me that there isn't anything more that he can do for me and to go to the ER and get checked out.

Please pray for me and pray that I can find relief from my pain tonight and get some sleep.

Major Prayer Requests this morning

Abby- is getting worse. She is now on morphine and fentanyl and Ativian. Her sores are everywhere, especially her private areas, and going to the bathroom is very difficult and painful.

Cora - went to be with Jesus this morning. Please remember her family in their time of mourning.

I slept better last night than I had in 3 days, but got less sleep, as I was up every 3-4 hrs for pain meds.

Sleepy Saturday

My sleep schedule has been very off the past few days.
Last night, I went to sleep at 5am and slept till 1pm today.
The day/ night before that I napped on and off from 3am-8am, then really went to sleep at 8:45am, and slept till 5pm on Thursday.

I am in constant pain and is really taking my pain meds every 4-5 hrs and also taking my anti-nausea meds too.

My mom wanted me to go to Sonic late last night, and I got something that I thought that I could eat, and I took 2 bites and was frozen with chest pains.

I did get out of the house this afternoon and went to the gym, and rode the bike for 15min.
Then I went to the grocery store. I am home now, in pain, fixing to go and take my meds and go to bed and watch movies tonight.


Also, please keep Abby in your prayers. She was admitted in the hospital on Wednesday Feb. 4th, and is on constant morphine. Her dad was called up there last night because she had taken a turn for the worse, but she is better this morning, but still on constant pain meds.

Unintended visit, lack of sleep, and new baby

Today I had an appt. to go to the dentist for part 2 of a consulation. But, since getting a toothache a few days ago, and my dentisit having an open afternoon, my visist turned into having a root canal. It was very unexpected, but she was very good and gave me plenty of numbing drugs, and I have plenty of every type of pain drug at home. I'm not in a lot of pain, but most of the numbing is gone. Next week, with any extra toothaches I will go for part 2 of my consulation and treatment plan.
Today makes day 5 days since my grandfather has been in the hospital and I can't say that he is getting better, because he's not. Yesterday he had a procedure to insert a drain tube into his gallbladder, and were able to expel 10oz of bile and other stomach gases. He is in alot of pain, and has stopped speaking in whole words. My mom is worried and more worried for her mom, who is not handling the hospitalization of my grandfather well. I just pray that God will have His way in the whole situation.
But, because my grandfather is so ill, I have been worried as well and have stopped sleeping. For the past 2 nights I have been unable to sleep through the night, which has played a huge role in how my day goes. Hopefully I will start sleeping again, and giving everything to God.

Tomorrow there is a new baby due to be coming into the world. Maxson Hagen, is due to be born by c-section around 7am tomorrow. The special thing about Max is the he has been diagonised with Trisomy 18. Because of the he is known to have: As of now we know that he has a VSD, an overriding aorta, a kidney that is not functioning, two cyroid cysts on his brain, a cleft foot, clenched fists, and low set ears.
The birth/live rate for babies with T-18 is almost always fatal. If the baby is born alive they don't live very long. Unless God grants a miracle which He has with baby: Magdalena . Magdalena today is celebrating 120 days old, and each day is a gift from God.
Please keep Max's parents in your prayers tonight and please pray that Max will stay around as long as God deems it necessary.
Pray too, for Magdalena. Pray for her body to continue to support her life and pray for her parents to continue to support her.

Sleepy Sunday

So, last night was a NIGHTMARE in and of itself. I tried 4 different times between the hours of 1am -6am to go to sleep, even with taking mega pain meds and a sleeping pill. With every failed attempt, I got up a surfed the web and slaved over my suduko puzzle book. Finally at sometime after 6am I went to sleep, only to wake up at 7:45am. I got up and went to Central Market to get fresh fruit that I was craving, then went to HEB to get groceries for the week, thinking that it wouldn't be crowded because people would be at church. Wrong... HEB was a madhouse.
I came home and tried to nap, only to watch football. Finally at 3:30 this afternoon my body gave out and I slept from 3:30pm - 6:45pm.
I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Cold Case with my mom, and now I am here.

Friday night was the Carrie Underwood concert and it was GREAT!!! My friend and I had so much fun. Spending Halloween at a concert with one of my favorite artists and my best friend was a great idea. I got home at about 11;45pm, and slept till 1pm Saturday afternoon. I woke up Saturday with no voice and even today I have an almost gone voice. I am really having a hard time rebounding from the concert and being up and out so late.

If you notice my new button on the right side links, it is from Stellan's page. He truly is a miracle and I am happy to have watched God work through this tiny baby boy!
Another little boy who needs a miracle is JD Hartman. He is an 11 year old boy who had a near drowning accident on Oct. 11, 2008 and is now in the local children's hospital fighting for his life. His family is a member of my church.
I know there is an awesome prayer team out there that has been praying for me, and now I ask for you to add JD to your prayers.

As for me, other than still trying to rebound from the concert. I am doing fair. I am fighting a chest cold, and lack of voice, major fatigue and exhausation, my swelling has returned, and I have developed a rash at my tube site, which looks worse everyday (but the surgeon says is OK). I am running very low on my high power pain meds, and have had to pull out a wimpy pain med, which I am slightly allergic to. So in order to take it I must load up on benadryl before hand. My only hope for now, is that when I go to the dentist on Wednesday I will be able to make an appt. to have 2-3 teeth pulled, that have needed pulling for sometime now, and I might be able to get a high power pain med for a few extra days.
This week's # 1 goal is to find a pain management Dr. that will work with the plan I have in place now, and not try to change it. If I cannot find anyone, and I run out, than back to the ER/hospital I will go for pain control.
Please pray that I will be able to find a Dr. this week.

That's all for now, off to try to get some sleep I go.

Infant Remberance Day

This next Wed. , Oct. 15, 2008 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rembrance Day. Please go to this website to read all about the history of this day and how what people can do to remember the infants that have passed away before their lives have been fully lived.


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I am still sick. Not so much with the flu anymore, but I'm having really hard problems with my asthma, and my feet are still swelling. I didn't sleep much last night, so I wanted to nap this afernoon, but when I lay down I start coughing and have an asthma attack. If I fall below the danger level for my peak flows, then I have to go to the ER to get a better nebulizer treatment. I am taking neb. treatments here at home, but they aren't really doing anything to help me. My feet are continuing to swell and are hurting more. If I am still like this on Monday I am too call the Dr. back and get some tests done to see what is causing the swelling.

But the good thing about being sick is my loss of an appetite, which means that I am able to take my tube feeds at ease and with no problems at all.

My body is not working today

I went to the GP dr. this morning because I feel horrible. I woke up feeling poorly this morning, and have just gotten worse all day. She thinks that I have the flu, even though I got my flu shot last week. There is a 12-14 day wait period while the shot is still kicking in to work. If I got exposed to the flu before my shot, I will still get sick because my body hasn't accepted the flu shot yet. But, on top of having the flu, I am also having respiratory problems. My peak flow meteres have been low and I have been taking breathing treatments with my nebulizer, but it does not seem to be working. And on top of all this, my feel and ankles are swollen to the size of softballs. My dr. doesn't know why, but it could be a reaction to my salt intake. I will cut back my salt usage for the next few days and see if that works.
I have been falling asleep, but not remembering I've been asleep or fall asleep while doing things. We are trying to get most of my meds in liquid form, so we can just use the medicince port on my tube to take my meds.
Please pray that I can get better soon and that the swelling in my feet will go down and stay down.

The Next Morning

What a night! I went to sleep at 2am, was sitting up in bed at 3:30am itching like crazy, took some meds, and slept until 12:30pm.
I woke up with a host of allergy problems: stopped up nose, sore throat, red and puffy eyes, hoarseness, congestion. But, all these are also symtoms of having a flu shot, which I got yesterday morning.
I am only up for a little while and then I am going back to bed for my bed rest day and to get hooked up to my feeding pump, my "steak in a bag" as my uncle puts it or my formula.
My feet and abdomen are still swollen, but not as bad as last night, which makes me think that I can hold out until Monday to go and see the DR.
Tricia is feeling better this morning also. Thanks for your prayers last night.

September Ends... October begins

Today is the last day of Sept. and I am so happy. It has been a LONG, Hard month, and I am hoping that October holds out better than Sept. was. However, I am not starting out Oct. on a high note. I am bloated and my abdomen is getting more swollen every day, and once again, there are no answers of why. I am gaining weight quickly, but it's not from food or feeds because I am not eating much at all, just one meal a day. And it's not from feeds, because I cannot tolerate them due to pain. I am back on my morphine on a daily basis, which only makes my problem worse, but I am in so much pain and I am just so uncomfortable. When I went to the GI Dr. 2 weeks ago, he said that one cause of my pain/discomfort/swelling could be from an intestinal blockage or obstruction. If I am not better by Thursday, I am calling the GI Dr. back to see what to do next.
Therapy was just what I needed today, another cry fest. I did everything that I could to keep from crying, but I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Then tonight as I was watching the Biggest Loser and a DVD documentary on elephants I started crying over every accomplishment, celebration, and when one of my fav. team members got sent home on the BL. I still have 4 more hours on the documentary (it is 6 hrs.) and I know there will be much more crying.
Sleeping is obviously not for me. I miss it so much, and just want 1 night of pure uninterupted sleep of 8 hours, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. At most I get between 4-6 hours, and that's with a sleeping pill. Being sick and not sleeping are not a good mix, and will catch up to me eventually.
Tomorrow I get to go "play" with my father. I haven't spoken to him in 4-5 days, and today's conversation was another reason of why we're not close. I don't want to go into deatails, but I will just say that is has been almost 7 months since my grandfather died, and my dad has known in that time that he needed to find the title of my grandfather's car, in order to put the title in my mom's name. The registration on my car expires in 31 days and if my dad can't find the title. well I don't know.
As of today I have offically become my grandfather's personal chauffer. Joy! I really tried to keep my mouth shut today and only speak when I was spoken to, but just speaking to him ( answering one of his questions) was the one thing that sent my grandfather off the deep end and cussed me out. I should put a stop to these daily outings, but my grandfather pays me when I take him places, and I need the money.

Please pray that Oct. is better for me than Sept. was, and that my pain will cease soon.

Sunny Sunday afternoon

Today is a beautiful day! I actually got up early and went to the 9:15 service at church, and sat through the whole thing. After church I sat in the courtyard and started reading a highly recommended book called "Irresistible Revolution." I then went to a luncheon/meet and greet for people who live in Hays County to meet each other and talk about ways to get involved in the community. Now, I don't live in Hays County, but I live very close, only about 2-3 miles away. Plus, I have 2 friends that do live in Hays County and they couldn't make it so I went on their behalf.
I am home for a while, and then off to Austin New Church at 5pm. God is doing great things in that Church and the people in Far South Austin better get ready! Last Sunday there were 11 people that accepted Christ. I can't wait to see what happens tonight!!

5 of my blogging friends are pregant. Most of them are due in the spring, but all but one of them have had their previous babies go to Jesus too soon. Most of them lost their babies in the past year, and they have older children who are now asking if this new baby will be able to stay with them on Earth or go to Jesus too soon. Please be in prayer for these woman and their families and their unborn babies. You can read their stories on their sites:
Tobie - has 2 1/2 yr old twins ( 1 baby in Heaven) and a 1 year old, due in the Spring
Nancy- has a 2 1/2 yr old (born at 28 weeks), due at the end of 2008
Susie - has a 2 year old, and a baby in Heaven, due in the Spring
Emily - has 2 young girls, a baby in Heaven, due in the Spring
Kenzie - has a 2 yr old, a baby in Heaven, and Faith Claire is due in 2-3 months

Emily and I have been e-mailing back and forth recently and she wrote an amazing piece for Lifeway during the summer that is a MUST read, especially for moms: Devine Appt.

I took my feeding pump and stuff to church this morning to take a feed. Not knowing what was being served for lunch I wasn't even going to try to eat. I actually met a woman whose son also has a feeding tube, so we got to talk about tubes, pumps, Dr.'s, etc.
Today starts day 1, again of less food and more feeds.
I had to put a pain patch on Thursday afternoon, but took it off Friday night because the side effects were too much for me.
I baby-sat Friday night for a friend, and after the twins had gone to bed I watched a movie called: The Ultimate Gift . It is a great movie, and I highly recommend it.
Yesterday, my mom and I went to IKEA ( my favorite store) to get the finishing pieces for my bathroom. I got all matching decor from Target, and the shelves from IKEA. It's still too bright for me, but that's ok, it looks pretty. The paint chip said Fall Gold, not Surface of the Sun!
Tomorrow the guy from ABC is coming to set a live trap for Mr. Racoon that lives in my chimney. Hope he gets caught quick and can be moved to a new home.

This week looks to be stressful and busy, as I try to "fix" a problem from last week, have 2 therapy sessions ( first time in 4 months, other than my "crisis" from last week, a lunch date with a friend, and have one maybe two community groups to attend.

Oh, and being a "lab rat" is going well. I am actually sleeping at night now without the use of sleeping pills. Friday night I slept for 10 hours!!! Yeah for sleeping!!!

Life and sleeping ( or lack of it)

Life has been so difficult for me. Life doesn't care that I am sick and having a hard time dealing with everything that is going on with that, life still happens and doesn't slow down.
Yesterday I spent most of the morning and part of the afternoon with my grandfather who is very emotionally abusive. He wanted me (and no one else) to take him to McCoy's to buy $400 worth of I don't know what. Well, actually he bought a 2ft by 6ft by 2ft feed/water trough for the deer and other wildlife in his backyard, 4 cans of spray paint, 1 gallon of paint, 250ft of electrical wire, 2 sawhorses, a pair of pliers, and a bunch of other crap. After realizing that the trough wasn't going to fit in my grandmother's car, my grandfather got very upset and cussed out the young man helping us, and cussed me out. I felt bad for the both of us, and knew there was nothing I could or wanted to say to make the young man feel better. He was very grateful when I came back in my mom's SUV without my grandfather. I told him I was sorry for the way that my grandfather treated him, and he said it was OK, but it wasn't. I don't know how many times my family has been out in public with my grandfather and he has gotten angery and cussed someone out and yelled at them. It's not acceptable and my family puts up with him because that is what they have done all of their lives. I won't do it though, and they don't understand that. No one should be treated the way that my grandfather treats us and others, but I refuse to be treated like that. When he starts up on me, I leave the room, and usually the family for a few days or weeks, until I feel like it's safe for me again. My family tells me to forget and move on, but I have been abused so many times before that I say no in this stance. It's the one abuse situation that I can take myself out of, and I'm glad for that.

I have been in theraphy as long as I can remember. I think that I started when I was 8, which was almost 20 years ago. Alot of my theraphy was forced and I had no control over who I was seeing, what drugs I was taking, or anything like that. I was forced into the mental hospitals when I was was 10-12 years old. I was forced into the mental hospital and later residental treatment center when I was 16. I had no control over any of it.
But now I do. I started attending a new church last year, and kinda of opened about everything within the first month of meeting a new person (I will never do that again), and she didn't know what to say or do and recommended that I see the church's therapist. I put it off for a few months, but I start going at the first of this year, and I LOVE IT ! I am so glad that I have someone to go to and talk once or twice a week. She has helped me so much this year and there were times when I thought I was making progress, but felt like I wasn't and she reassured me that I was. For so long, she was concerned that I wasn't crying over things that should be cried over ( death of my dog and grandfather in the same week) (putting a stop on a very emotional, hard, and stressful relationship), etc. But now, since getting sick, I cry over everything. I forgot how good it feels to cry and I cry over the littlest things, but I feel so good afterwards. Who would have thought? Before I got sick, my biggest problem was relational and lack of trust. I couldn't look people in the eyes because I have always been afraid of people, which she is helping me overcome that, and now I actually make an effort to look people in the eyes. It is still hard for me, but with her help I am learning not to fear people.
But everything changed after I got sick and returned from being hospitalized for so long. Life is no longer about what may happen, but about what is happening. I now know how short life is and I don't want to worry about ifs. Theraphy is no longer about "fixing" my emotional problems and relational problems, it is now about getting through the days, and weeks, and how to make the best of life, because I don't know how long I will be on earth. It's about living with a disease that has no cure and how that affects my life. It's about accepting life and death and dealing with what God has given me.

But what happens when one doesn't deal with life's problems? They get insoumina. I have had it for 3 weeks, and I can't tell you how exhausted I am. I have tried about 6 different sleeping pills from my Dr. and nothing is working. I haven't been able to go to sleep until about 4am, and then I only sleep till 9:30 or 10am. Tonight, I will try an "experment" given to me by my therapist. Different things to do just before bed, every night for a week. Will I sleep and go to sleep at a normal time? Oh I hope so.
This is not to say that I am not dealing with life's problems, because I am, but more things keep coming up that I feel are more important and the other issues get put aside.

This is all for now, I am off to be a "lab rat" !

Good Day

Today was a good day! It didn't start well though. I didn't go to sleep until 6:45 this morning and my mom woke me up about 10:45 this morning. I have been having severe insoumnia for several weeks now. I even took 3 sleeping pills and morphine for the pain, and I still couldn't sleep.
After breakfast my mom and I went to my grandparent's house, but not before stopping at a deli/coffeeshop to get sweets for my grandparents. My mom and grandmother had blackberry cobbler, my grandfather had buttermilk pie, and I had apple cake. I didn't eat lunch at my grandmothers' because what she made was too spicy and I knew it would never go down or sit well with me. After lunch my grandmother, me and my mom played a game of cards, and I won. Yeah!!!
My mom and I came home, she napped and I took a feed. It's the first feed through the tube I've had in a week. Afterwards, I took my dog and we went on a walk in the park/ on the trail. It took us 30 minutes to walk a mile and 1/4 . We came and had dinner and here I am.

I think today was much better than yesterday because I didn't eat as much today. The weather was beautiful today too. Cloudy but cool with a nice breeze. Much better than the 100+ degree days we had this summer.

Tomorrow I have talk theraphy in the morning, and then my dad wants me to come over because his *girlfriend* and her roommate are here from the coast until they get power and water back.

I still can't believe the tragedy that is occuring on the coast. It doesn't seem real. I can see the city of Galveston in my mind before Ike, and I can't imagine what it looks like now, with everything gone or made into rubble. I love the beach. It is so relaxing and calm. Growing up I always wanted to be a Marine Biologist. I know so much about Marine and Ocean life that I probably could go back to school if I weren't sick.

I finally got an e-mail that I got a comment from my blog. I thought for a while there that no one read my blog because I had never received any comments. I know it take a while to get a "fan" base, and I hope I get one soon, like the rest of my blogging buddies.

Goin' Bananas

This weekend I am baby-sitting all weekend. Saturday, I am baby-sitting 2 brothers, one is almost 8, and the other is 3. We are going here : http://goinbananastx.com/index.html
I am not going to sit back and let them have all the fun, I'm going to play with them. I will probably wind up injuring myself in some way or sort, but we're going to have a blast. I will have them for 9 hours, so after we go and play there for however long, I thought about going to the park, so that when I put them to bed that night, they will not give me any problems. They will go right to sleep.
Sunday, I am baby-sitting the 3 year old, and 3 of his brother's friends' siblings. The big boys are going to a banquet for their cub scout troop, and I get the little kids. I get to do this job for 4 hours.
I think that I will be sleeping on Monday. I'll update what happens.

I'm so tired

I did my night nanny job last night, and only slept for about 4 hours. The baby is on a schedule, he eats at about 10pm, 2am, and 6am. We increased his feeds to 4oz, but he still seems so hungery. Now that his stomach is fixed and he eats so much more. After his 10pm feeding last night, he wanted to stay awake and look around. So, we stayed awake until midnight. I left his house at 8 this morning, came home and slept from 9am - 12pm, and that's all the sleep that I have gotten today. But tonight, when he sleeps, I will sleep, but I am never in a deep sleep because I want to hear him when he cries.
Tomorrow I have a day nanny job from 11am-4pm for a 8 month. Luckily, this baby likes to sleep and sleep alot, so when he sleeps, I will nap with the moniter by the couch.
I went to theraphy today with a list of things to talk about. I talked about those things plus alot deeper stuff, that I didn't think that I was ready to talk about, but I guess that I was. I felt alot better after I left.
Hopefully I can sleep tonight, and not be so tired tomorrow. Alot of people are worried about me because I am so sleep deprived. But, I think that I am doing OK, at least I hope I am.

Sunday afternoon

Here it is 1pm on Sunday afternoon. I did my night nanny job last night and got about 4 hours of sleep. I came home, was going to take a sleeping pill, but decided against it. Layed down and slept for all of 2 hours. Now, I can't go back to sleep and have to be back at work at 9pm tonight till 8am tomorrow morning. And that continues all week. The only days I have off are Tuesday and Friday nights. Plus I am day nannying Tuesday and Thursday. Friday and Saturday I have an infant class and night nanny class to attend. But, after I attend them I will be a certified Infant Specialist and a certified Night Nanny. I'm excited about the classes.
So, I guess that I will try and go back to sleep for a few hours.