2 important anniversaries this week

This week is a very somber week for me. Sunday the 15th, marked the 1 year anniv. of the death of my dog Zephyr. I know that some of you are thinking, but it was just a dog, but Zephyr was so much more than that. I got Zephyr from my uncle, she was the runt of 10. I got her when she was just 7 weeks old. She NEVER left my side. She slept/cuddled with me every night. She was the type of dog that I could let off the leash and she'd stay close, she LOVED to swim and be in the water. We went swimming together often. She was my best friend. I got the the day I came home from St. Louis the 1st time we went because of my esophagus. She saw me through the next 2 years of some really hard times.
Last year my mom & I decided that it was best to put her to sleep due to her totally destructive behavior. Yes we did puppy class, and all that, but it was later determine that something was genetically wrong with her and her whole litter, as all the puppies were eventually put to sleep. I remember the Vet. giving her the shot, and her falling asleep in my arms.

The next day is THIS Friday the 20th, which will mark the 1 yr anniv. death of my grandfather. Now, my grandfather and I weren't close, but he was still family. He died after suffering several massive and many strokes. The 1st massive stroke he had was on March 4th, and he would go on to suffer many other mini and some other large strokes over the next 16 days. I know that he is in Heaven with his 3 other wives that went on before him.

Zephyr Grandpa JO

Please keep me in your prayers as I go through this week. This maybe the last time I post for awhile. I may be going out of town this weekend for a King-Tut exhibit with my family. The only thing keeping me from going is the fact that I am getting sick, but am not sick yet. I just can't seem to get over it. I've been drinking OJ and taking robatussin for the past few days. Please pray that I don't get sick, and can go this weekend.

What is the world coming to?

Today has been an OK day. I was suppose to have a class at the gym this afternoon, but didn't feel well, and cancelled.
I found out some bad news too. 1. One of my best friend's husband was laid-off from his job today. My friend is newly pregnant, and is having normal morning sickness, but please pray for this baby and for God to protect it and let it grow normally, and for the baby to join the world in 8 months. Pray that the husband will be able to find a new job.
2. I also found out that another friend of mine's uncle was killed in a tragic accident in Hawaii. After the autopsy, he or his ashes will be flown back to Texas. Please pray for the family as they deal with his sudden death.

This week and next feel like "normal" considering I am looking at having another surgery. I'm a bit nervous over my endoscopy this THURSDAY, only because I'm afraid I'll have complications like I had last time ( in July of 08). Also, if I'm facing another surgery, than that's more time in the hospital and more time recovering.
Tomorrow I have an appt. with my pain management Dr. For a week now I have been crushing my pills and adding water to turn into liquid and putting it in my tube. Tomorrow, I am hoping that he'll give me liquid pain meds.

I'm just not doing well. Please keep me in your prayers.

Also, I set up a medical acct. at my bank today for donations, all the info is in the box to the right of this.

A New Year, A New Me

Well, I wanted there is less than 12 hours left to 2008, and I am SO glad. 2008 has been the hardest year I have ever had to go through. With 3 deaths in the family, spending 4 months in the hospital, having major surgery, being so sick and near death, and so much more, but through it all there is one thing that I have learned: God will never leave my side and He is always there for me. I know that if I weren't a Christian and didn't know God that I wouldn't have made it.
So, what does 2009 hold for me? New changes. For starters, I have joined a gym. It's small, and less than a mile from my house, so I will be working out weekly, and I hope to loose some of the weight that I have gained these past few months. I am going to start volunteering with MOPS again, and I am so excited about starting that again. I am going to start my homeless ministry again. After reading "The Purpose Driven Life" a few years ago, I felt God calling me to make care bags for the homeless. Included in them will be, but not limited to: a bottle of water, crackers, clean socks, a tract, and other small food items. I am meeting with a guy who owns and runs a homeless ministry called Mobile Loaves and Fishes, and hope to get any other info for starting my ministry.
I have made a decision about what church I feel that I belong to and should be at, so I am excited to see how God will call me to get involved at church.
I am going to have alot of dental work done in the next few months to fix my teeth. My health is settling down. I hope that once I start excercising, I will start to feel better physically and emotionally. My best friend quit her job yesterday and is going to college, which means that will be able to spend more time together. I'm going to start working again, but only part-time.

I hope that 2009 is so much better than 2008 was. I wish you and your family all the best in the new year!!!

"In Christ I am a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come again."
2 Corinthians 5:17


PS: Baby Stellan is doing better. Last night he was able to drink breastmilk for the first time in days, his oxygen stats are improving, and his color has returned to normal. Check out his page for more updates.

Trusting in God

I am home from my grandfather's memorial service, and I must admit that the past 3 days have been life changing, in more ways than one.
I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I hope that I can get them all down in one post.

I never thought that having my grandfather die would bring me closer to God, but it did, in God's time. After my grandfather died, I spent 2 days with the family, then I did what I do best and secluded myself in my bedroom and proceeded to get so ill and in so much pain, that by Thursday afternoon I was being taken to the ER, and after 7 hours, countless tests, bloodwork, and 17ml of morphine ( 10ml in the ER and 7ml at home) and a fentynl patch (put on @ home) I went home and was still in pain. I had been throwing up for 2 days, and had stopped eating for 3 days, and not taking feeds, because taking feeds made the pain worse. My mom and I got home from the hospital about midnight on Friday and only got a few hours of sleep.
Friday morning, I woke up and was still throwing up and was so weak that I had a complete meltdown and through my tears I spilled out to my mom that I miss my grandfather so much, and wasn't prepared for him to die, but I know that he is in a much better place.
I didn't think that I had enough strength to go to the memorial service, much less pack and get ready to go. Because I was still so sick on Friday my mom had to pack my bag and get my stuff ready. I don't know what I made it out the door with, but I seemed to have everything I need. When it was time to leave, I climbed into the back seat of my mom's SUV, still throwing up, but knowing that if I didn't go that I would regret it for the rest of my life. All of Friday morning, and most of the trip to my Uncle's farm I started reciting Scripture. Mainly the Shepherd's Prayer ( Ps. 23) and the birth story in Luke. I was praying more fervently than I have ever prayed and I knew that I had an army of prayer warriors praying for me also.

By the time I got to the farm, I was feeling better, but not back to 100%. By Saturday, I was pretty much back to my old self ( the way I was BEFORE I got sick). Pouncing in the high grass with my cousins, exploring a 100 yr-old farm house, and feeding the resident bull.
But, the whole time I was still reciting my scriptures and praying. I was told Saturday morning that there would be time at the memorial service to get up and say a few words, which I wanted to do. I didn't know what I was going to say, but the night before I was listening to my IPOD and a song by Monk and Neagle came on titled: Dancing With the Angels. I listened to the song, and the wrote down the words as follows and read them at the memorial service. I was told later by alot of people, including the pastor that did the service that it was an excellent song to read and is very fitting for my what my family is going through.

Dancing With the Angels

Memories surround me, But sadness has found me. I'd do anything for more time.

Never before has someone meant more, and I can't get you out of my mind.

There is so much that I don't understand, but I know:

You're dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.

You're dancing with the Angels, Heaven fills your eyes.

Now that you're dancing with the Angels

You had love for your family. Love for all people. Love for the Father, and Son

Your heart will be heard, in your unspoken words. Through generations to come.

There is so much that I don't understand, but I know:

You're dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.

You're dancing with the Angels, Heaven fills your eyes.

Now that you're dancing with the Angels.

We're only here for such a short time.

So I'm gonna stand up, shout out,and sing Hallelujah!

One day I'll see you again

And we'll be dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.

We're dancing with the Angels, Heaven will fills our eyes.

When we're dancing with the Angels

So, for any of you our there, and all of my blogging friends who have lost their babies, know that your loved one is in a much better place.

Today on the drive back home, my mom and I were talking and I have come to the following conclusions:

1. I will go back to work after the first of the year. I have missed nannying so much, and will enjoy getting back into it. I will go back to work through the Nanny Agency that I work for, but no more night-nannying, and I want to only work with infants, since they are my speciality, and since I am trained and certified Infant Care Specialist. I would like to work with Special Needs infants too, since I have my own experience with that. I won't be returning full-time, but maybe 10-20 hrs a week, just to keep me out of the house some.

2. I will return to volunteering at MOPS. I took the fall semester off to recover from surgery. But after volunteering for several different MOPS groups for 6 years, I miss it too. I know that the mom's will be glad to have me back, as will the leaders.

3. I will return to church, and will decide on a church home. During the past 6 months, I feel like I have lost one church family, but gained another. Being so sick and in the hospital so much and then at home in bed for so long has really left me out of touch with the "outside world". But, while I was hurting my church family at the time, didn't walk my journey with me, instead they left me, leaving me to deal with all of this by myself. But, also during this time, I have started attending a new church and have gained a new church family, who has helped me out so much more than the previous church.

I have a big decision to make, but I have to also take into acct. that one church only meets in the mornings, and one only meets at night, and it is possible to attend both on Sunday's.

4. Starting immediatly, I will walk at the park track daily with my dog, and think about joining a new gym opening by my house.

5. Also starting immediatly, I will start reading my Bible daily and having a daily quiet time, even if it's in my own way.

6. The last starting immediatly, I will start taking atleast 1 meal a day by tube feeds. Tube feeding once daily and not eating that meal will help with the pain, and will also help me start losing weight.

7. I will take steps to start making friends again. Other than my best friend, I have no other friends. All of my so called "friends" left me once I got sick, and I have not heard anything from them in over 4 months. I have tried all my life to make friends with people with Special Needs, because for most of my life I have been a person with special needs. After going through what I went through this summer, I realize that not everyone can make and be friends, and accept people with those with Special Needs.

I don't want to come home and return to the person who spent all her time in bed and in pain. I want to come home and return to the person I was before I got sick and had surgery. I, along with my mom and some other family members saw that person come out again, and really enjoyed it.

I know that this has been a really long post, but I remembered everything that I had to say and needed to say.

I hope that you can see that through all the pain and heartache that I have been through these past 3 days, 1 weeks, and 6 months, that God has never left my side, and that if I had put my 100% trust in Him that I wouldn't have had to go through alot of the stuff that I have been through in the past week.

God is STILL in Control

This has been a tough week for me. One that I'd rather forget, but know I never will. My grandfather died 3 days ago, and I am having a really hard time dealing with his death. Thankfully I'm going to theraphy tomorrow, but that still doesn't help the hurt and pain that I feel.
I don't think that I would be having such a hard time if he had not gone so quickly and he had a chance to say goodbye to everyone. By the time we ( the family) realized that he wasn't going to make it he was already in a coma. He was only in the hospital for 1 week, and had only gone because he was having stomach pains. No one in my family thought that he'd be dead within a week.
I had another grandfather die earlier this year, and although I wasn't close to him, I got to say goodbye, and we knew that he was going to die because of all the strokes he kept having.

But something came in the mail last night that made me stop and think that God is STILL in control and all that is happening is in HIS timing.
I got a catalog from Family Christian Stores, and they had some of their Christmas cards displayed and on a certain card the following is written:

"Just think, you're here not by chance, but by God's choosing.

His hand formed you and made you the person you are.

He compares you to no one else- you are one of a kind.

You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.

He has allowed you to be here at this time in history

to fufill His special purpose for this generation."

Roy Lessin

My grandfather lived a happy and full life. He kept saying that he shouldn't have lived as long as he did. He was 88 when he died. He has 5 kids, 17 grandkids & kids -in-laws, and 10 great-grandkids. He was married to my grandmother for 65 years.

God looked down and saw that my grandfather had fulfilled God's purpose for being here, and took him home to a much better place. I know that my grandfather is in Heaven running and playing with those that have gone before him and all of his pets.

Although my family is sad and in mourning, I know that my grandfather wouldn't want us to be like this.

Since this year has been a horrible year with 3 deaths in my family, me spending 4 months in the hospital and having life saving surgery and all the other thins that have happened this year; GOD IS IN CONTROL. All of this has happened in HIS TIME, not mine.

So, when you are having a hard time with life, just remember that GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!

my grandfather is gone

My grandfather died about 6:30 this evening. Most of the grandkids were able to go to the hospital this afternoon to say good-bye and 2 of my cousins and my aunt were with him when he passed away.
The tenative memorial service will be NEXt Saturday and he his being cremated. My family is taking this very hard as is my grandmother as they had been together for so long ( we celebrated their 65th wedding anniv. in Feb of 08).
Please pray for continued strength and peace for my family.

My grandfather...please pray

My grandfather ( my mom's dad) is very sick, and very near death. He has been in the hospital for a week for a very basic thing, had a minor procedure on Tuesday, and has gone down hill ever since, and the decision was made this afternoon to take him off all meds and to turn him over to Hospice Care. The Dr. told my family that he could have a few hours to a few days. They are giving him morphine and adavant to keep him pain free and comfortable, but he is still very restless. All of my mom's siblings and her mother have been at the hospital all week, so they have said their goodbyes. My cousins are coming (if they can) to say their goodbyes as well.
My grandfather is a Christian and has lived a good long life, as he is in his late 80s.
I was able to say my goodbyes tonight and felt better in doing so.
This is not the first death I have experienced this year. My other grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away in March and I was left to plan the funeral and didn't get to say my goodbyes. Luckly I got my chance with this grandfather.

Please pray that my grandfather will not be suffering and that he will be resting comfortably. Please also pray that my family will have peace and the strength that they need to get through this, and that all of my out-of town cousins will make it to Austin in time to say good-bye.

All of my aunts, my mom, my grandmother, and I are physically tired form spending all week at the hospital. Please pray for restoration and that we will not get sick from our bodies being worn down.

I will update when I know something.

Everything that can go bad has gone bad today

Today has been a very crappy day. My swelling is increasing, and has now spread to both my ankles and feet. My ankles are the size of baseballs and hurting. My last stitch came out, thus allowing the complete tube to fall out, and my mom had to push it back in. I just feel bad all around.
Tomorrow I will be on complete bed rest with both feet propped up, and only on tube feeds. If that does not make things better than I will go to the ER on Sunday or the DR. on Monday. I haven't decided yet, but it just depends on what happens tomorrow.
I started having an asthma attack tonight, and had to take my resuce inhaler which makes me very shaky. I had to take my pain patch off because I started having mood swings, which means I will go back to my morphine every 4-6 hours.
I had another meltdown tonight and when my mom asked how she could help I told her that she could put me out of my misery. I just don't know how long I can keep going like this. I HATE that the Dr.s don't know what is going on or how to fix it. I HATE that my life has come to where it is. I'm 27 years old, have a feeding tube, and have several undiagonised medical condtions that may never be fully revealed, and there is no Dr. in Austin that can tell me what is wrong, because they have never had a patient like me that has so many disfunctions at the same time.

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight because I can just sense that something is not right and I am afraid that I will not wake up in the morning. My mom really thinks that staying on bedrest tomorrow might "fix" me. I HATE that she keeps coming up with "lets try this or that" when she herslef has no idea what is going on or how to fix it. She knows that I should go to the ER tonight, but because she hates the hospital and I've been in it for 7 weeks this summer, she can't stand to go back.
Can't anyone just admit that they don't know what is going on with me instead of guessing?
Please pray that I will make it through the night and that I will either be able to go to the ER tomorrow or that I will be better.

Also, my friend Tricia is sick, please pray that she will get better soon. She already has a weakened immune system from her transplant and now her chemo.

Monday night

Today has been another lazy day. I am still not feeling that well, and my pain and nausea are back with a vegeance. Today I did my laundry for the first time in 2 months, picked up my room a little and put my shelving unit together for my bathroom. But, those 3 things completly wore me out. I finally filled out my disability paperwork and mailed it. One of the questions on there was odd: Do you have any fears? Yeah, I am afraid of death. I don't know why, but since getting sick I have had this great fear that I am going to die soon. My body has been though so much trauma and hurt these past 4 months, that I am afraid that it is going to give out. And my therapist told me that a reason of my isnoumina is that my sub-consciousness is protecting my body by not letting me fall asleep. That may be very true, but I know I shouldn't be afraid I know where I'm going, but I'm young and still have so much to live for. But no one knows when they will die. Anybody can get in their car and drive somewhere and be killed in a car accident.

My mom and I were going to go to Marie Callendar's for dinner tonight ( I've been craving their meatloaf), but as we were leaving the neighborhood, I changed my mind and we went to Whataburger instead.

I have 3 prayer requests for tonight:
1. A friend of mine's daughter is in the hospital with pneoumina. Dakota is 2 1/2 and was born at 25 weeks, and still has loads of medical problems. She spent 8 months in the NICU, and this is her 3-4 hospitalization this year. You can check her website for updates and her story:
Dakota Rose . Her mom and I are becoming good friends, because Dakota also has a feeding tube, so her mom has been giving me advice, and she came and saw me in the hospital.
2. Another blogging friend, Trica, had her 4th round of chemo this morning and is feeling the side effects from this. Tricia has Cystic Fibrosis and had a double lung transplant in April of 2008, then she got post-transplant lukemia. Tricia and her family have inspired and encouraged me and so many thousands of other people around the world. Her husbands blog has had almost 6 millon hits since January, the birth of their daughter Gwyenth Rose, born at 24 weeks. Please check out her husband's blog : http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/ , for updates and the full story.
3. I just recieved an urgent e-mail from a guy in my singles dept. at church telling me that another one of our single's mom is hovering near death, as she is being taken off life support tonight. The guy who is dealing with his mom and I have had several conversations this summer about our voices and how they are different and how people have made fun of us for our differences and how we are living with it. My is different because I was entubated ( put on a ventaliator) so many times as an infant and young child that my voice box is scarred for life. His is different because he was in a horrific car accident and his voice box was damaged during the crash. Please keep the Watt's family in your prayers as they are dealing with this and for peace and strength after his mom's death.

After writing my "relationship" piece yesterday I had a much better day today with concerning that issue. I didn't think about her at all today and was able to focus on other things. I knew writing it down and getting it out would be good.

That's all for tonight, it's late and I'm off to bed.