Sunday, December 14, 2008

Trusting in God

I am home from my grandfather's memorial service, and I must admit that the past 3 days have been life changing, in more ways than one.
I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I hope that I can get them all down in one post.

I never thought that having my grandfather die would bring me closer to God, but it did, in God's time. After my grandfather died, I spent 2 days with the family, then I did what I do best and secluded myself in my bedroom and proceeded to get so ill and in so much pain, that by Thursday afternoon I was being taken to the ER, and after 7 hours, countless tests, bloodwork, and 17ml of morphine ( 10ml in the ER and 7ml at home) and a fentynl patch (put on @ home) I went home and was still in pain. I had been throwing up for 2 days, and had stopped eating for 3 days, and not taking feeds, because taking feeds made the pain worse. My mom and I got home from the hospital about midnight on Friday and only got a few hours of sleep.
Friday morning, I woke up and was still throwing up and was so weak that I had a complete meltdown and through my tears I spilled out to my mom that I miss my grandfather so much, and wasn't prepared for him to die, but I know that he is in a much better place.
I didn't think that I had enough strength to go to the memorial service, much less pack and get ready to go. Because I was still so sick on Friday my mom had to pack my bag and get my stuff ready. I don't know what I made it out the door with, but I seemed to have everything I need. When it was time to leave, I climbed into the back seat of my mom's SUV, still throwing up, but knowing that if I didn't go that I would regret it for the rest of my life. All of Friday morning, and most of the trip to my Uncle's farm I started reciting Scripture. Mainly the Shepherd's Prayer ( Ps. 23) and the birth story in Luke. I was praying more fervently than I have ever prayed and I knew that I had an army of prayer warriors praying for me also.

By the time I got to the farm, I was feeling better, but not back to 100%. By Saturday, I was pretty much back to my old self ( the way I was BEFORE I got sick). Pouncing in the high grass with my cousins, exploring a 100 yr-old farm house, and feeding the resident bull.
But, the whole time I was still reciting my scriptures and praying. I was told Saturday morning that there would be time at the memorial service to get up and say a few words, which I wanted to do. I didn't know what I was going to say, but the night before I was listening to my IPOD and a song by Monk and Neagle came on titled: Dancing With the Angels. I listened to the song, and the wrote down the words as follows and read them at the memorial service. I was told later by alot of people, including the pastor that did the service that it was an excellent song to read and is very fitting for my what my family is going through.
Dancing With the Angels
Memories surround me, But sadness has found me. I'd do anything for more time.
Never before has someone meant more, and I can't get you out of my mind.
There is so much that I don't understand, but I know:
You're dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.
You're dancing with the Angels, Heaven fills your eyes.
Now that you're dancing with the Angels
You had love for your family. Love for all people. Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard, in your unspoken words. Through generations to come.
There is so much that I don't understand, but I know:
You're dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.
You're dancing with the Angels, Heaven fills your eyes.
Now that you're dancing with the Angels.
We're only here for such a short time.
So I'm gonna stand up, shout out,and sing Hallelujah!
One day I'll see you again
And we'll be dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.
We're dancing with the Angels, Heaven will fills our eyes.
When we're dancing with the Angels
So, for any of you our there, and all of my blogging friends who have lost their babies, know that your loved one is in a much better place.
Today on the drive back home, my mom and I were talking and I have come to the following conclusions:
1. I will go back to work after the first of the year. I have missed nannying so much, and will enjoy getting back into it. I will go back to work through the Nanny Agency that I work for, but no more night-nannying, and I want to only work with infants, since they are my speciality, and since I am trained and certified Infant Care Specialist. I would like to work with Special Needs infants too, since I have my own experience with that. I won't be returning full-time, but maybe 10-20 hrs a week, just to keep me out of the house some.
2. I will return to volunteering at MOPS. I took the fall semester off to recover from surgery. But after volunteering for several different MOPS groups for 6 years, I miss it too. I know that the mom's will be glad to have me back, as will the leaders.
3. I will return to church, and will decide on a church home. During the past 6 months, I feel like I have lost one church family, but gained another. Being so sick and in the hospital so much and then at home in bed for so long has really left me out of touch with the "outside world". But, while I was hurting my church family at the time, didn't walk my journey with me, instead they left me, leaving me to deal with all of this by myself. But, also during this time, I have started attending a new church and have gained a new church family, who has helped me out so much more than the previous church.
I have a big decision to make, but I have to also take into acct. that one church only meets in the mornings, and one only meets at night, and it is possible to attend both on Sunday's.
4. Starting immediatly, I will walk at the park track daily with my dog, and think about joining a new gym opening by my house.
5. Also starting immediatly, I will start reading my Bible daily and having a daily quiet time, even if it's in my own way.
6. The last starting immediatly, I will start taking atleast 1 meal a day by tube feeds. Tube feeding once daily and not eating that meal will help with the pain, and will also help me start losing weight.
7. I will take steps to start making friends again. Other than my best friend, I have no other friends. All of my so called "friends" left me once I got sick, and I have not heard anything from them in over 4 months. I have tried all my life to make friends with people with Special Needs, because for most of my life I have been a person with special needs. After going through what I went through this summer, I realize that not everyone can make and be friends, and accept people with those with Special Needs.
I don't want to come home and return to the person who spent all her time in bed and in pain. I want to come home and return to the person I was before I got sick and had surgery. I, along with my mom and some other family members saw that person come out again, and really enjoyed it.
I know that this has been a really long post, but I remembered everything that I had to say and needed to say.
I hope that you can see that through all the pain and heartache that I have been through these past 3 days, 1 weeks, and 6 months, that God has never left my side, and that if I had put my 100% trust in Him that I wouldn't have had to go through alot of the stuff that I have been through in the past week.


Jenn said...

Em, I'm so proud of you for deciding to start taking the steps necessary to begin living the wonderful life that God has prepared for you! He will provide you with everything you need for every minute of every day. Stay focused and surround yourself with positive and encouraging people. You can do it! Much love, Jenn

Emily said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you go through on a daily basis. I am constantly amazed by your strength. I'm so sorry you've been let down by your Church. I think sometimes it's hard for people to know how to help others in a situation like yours and so they simply withdraw which is not the right thing to do.

Your goals sound awesome! I'm assuming (maybe incorrectly) that you'll be coming back to our MOPS (maybe I'm just hoping). I hope this next year brings you better health. Please let me know when you're at Seton! I come up there every other Friday evening and would love to stop by again!

Carol said...

I am so glad to have found your blog! It's obvious that the Lord is working in your life, weaving a beautiful tapestry, even though some days seem like a tangled and snarled mess. Your goals are realistic and healthy ones! I look forward to seeing how the Lord works in your life as you committ each one to Him.

Merry Christmas!

Carol McNiel