An Award... from a friend

I "won" an award from a friend, Jodi, Olivia's mom.

The Rules:
1 - Thank the person who gave it to you. Thanks again, Jodi.
2 - List 10 honest things about yourself.
3- Put the Honest Scrap logo on your blog.
4- Select 7 other bloggers that you think deserve this award.

Okay, so I'll try to think of 10 things that you may not already know.

1. I came within 4 months of getting married a few years back, the best decision I ever made was to call off the wedding and break-up the guy.

2. I have lived in the same town all my 28yrs of living, and the same house for 20 of those years.

3. I have been bitten by MY OWN dog(s) over 100 times, and the first"attack" required emergency surgery to put my hand back together.

4. I have always had a dog, but have had to put the last 3 to sleep, 1 each in the past 3 years. (2 of them "ate"me, and the 3rd one was geneticically messed up in the head).

5. Both of my biological grandfathers passed away last year. My dad's dad in March of 2008 and my mom's dad in Dec. of 2008.

6. I am the youngest of 16 cousins (cousin-in-laws included).

7. I went to private school for most of my schooling, except 2 1/2 yrs I spent in public high school.

8. I collect shot glasses and guitar picks, but I don't play the guitar or drink alcohol.

9. I have volunteered with 2 sets of quintuplets (that's 5 babies) in the past year.

10. I HATE watching golf on tv. I think that it's the most boring sport in the world.

5 other bloggers:

1. Mckmama at My Charming Kids

2. Emily at Really Living

3. Carla at Masto Mama Chronicles

4. Suz at Steece's Pieces

5. Jac at the Tubre Quads

That's all I have in my Friend's list.

Secrets

In Christ I am a new creation, the old is gone and the new will come again. 2 Corth. 5:17

Secrets, inner deamons that no one knows about, deep dark secrets, that you want to come out, but what will people think? What do we do with this stuff? Give it to God? Ok, God here is my "secret", take it, it's yours, I don't want it anymore. But how many times do we give God our secrets, but still struggle with them? How long do the inner deamons haunt you until you can't take it anymore? Where/What is the breaking point? Do you have someone you trust 100% to open up to? If not, what do you do? Who do you tell?

The past 6 weeks have been lies. I've put up a front, and a good one at that, to make people think that I am OK, but inside, deep inside, I am hurting. I am breaking.

I am do the best that I can with the hand that God has given me. I am living life to the best of my ability, by MYSELF, because remember, I am 27, almost 28 and still have NO friends. No friend to call at 2am crying, spilling my heart and soul. No one to call and say " hey let's do lunch, I need to talk."
I am alone in my little world, lonely, searching, looking for signs from God that things will be better, that there is a way out.

2Corth. 12:7-10 means so much to me because that is what I live day in and out. If it weren't for God's strength, my weakness would have overtaken me and I don't know where I would be.

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Post # 100

Wow, 100 posts! When I started this blog last year, I never thought that I would be using it as a way to communicate with people about my illness, because I never thought that I was going to get so sick. I never thought that I would find so many "blogging friends". I never thought that I would have so many prayer warriors all over the world.
But, I did get sick. I hovered near death for so long. I have found so many "blogging friends". And I know that I have prayer warriors all over the world.
I use this blog as my way of getting my emotions and feelings out. I use it to sort through my thoughts and to ask for prayer for my other "blogging friends".

So, in honor of my 100th post, here are 25 random things about me:

1. I have never broken a bone
2. I have been bit by my dogs over 110 times, requiring surgery to put my hand back together and repair a torn tendon.
3. I have been a nanny for almost 16 years, and have volunteered with Quints, and will volunteer with the new set of Quints when they come home from the hospital.
4. I can go barefoot or wear flip-flops 100% of the time, if I could.
5. I love sour candy
6. I have never not had a pet.
7. I am the youngest of 9 cousins
8. I hope to one day fall in love and have the guy I fall in love with fall in love with me.
9. My biggest pet-peeve is when people drive down the road with their blinkers on, but they never turn.
10. I have had botox injections 3 different times in my esphagus and stomach.
11. I love watching the blood and guts shows on tv, but can't stand to look at it in real life.
12. I have a deep tradition in going to church, but currently, I've been to sick to go. :(
13. I am a HUGE Texas Longhorn fan
14. I used to do gymnastics in elementary school and high school.
15. I want to go back to school one day, but don't know what to major in.
16. When I was a little kid I wanted to be a Marine Biolgist or Zoologist.
17. I love listening to music on my IPOD.
18. I am not a creative, artsy person, but which I was.
19. I heard Billy Graham live, when I was a youth.
20. I graduated in the top 20% of my class of 600, 10 years ago this May.
21. I am an only child.
22. I have no living grandfathers left.
23. I love roller coasters.
24. I have been to the top of Pike's Peak and the St. Louis Arch.
25. I have lived in the same house for 21 years

Trusting in God

I am home from my grandfather's memorial service, and I must admit that the past 3 days have been life changing, in more ways than one.
I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I hope that I can get them all down in one post.

I never thought that having my grandfather die would bring me closer to God, but it did, in God's time. After my grandfather died, I spent 2 days with the family, then I did what I do best and secluded myself in my bedroom and proceeded to get so ill and in so much pain, that by Thursday afternoon I was being taken to the ER, and after 7 hours, countless tests, bloodwork, and 17ml of morphine ( 10ml in the ER and 7ml at home) and a fentynl patch (put on @ home) I went home and was still in pain. I had been throwing up for 2 days, and had stopped eating for 3 days, and not taking feeds, because taking feeds made the pain worse. My mom and I got home from the hospital about midnight on Friday and only got a few hours of sleep.
Friday morning, I woke up and was still throwing up and was so weak that I had a complete meltdown and through my tears I spilled out to my mom that I miss my grandfather so much, and wasn't prepared for him to die, but I know that he is in a much better place.
I didn't think that I had enough strength to go to the memorial service, much less pack and get ready to go. Because I was still so sick on Friday my mom had to pack my bag and get my stuff ready. I don't know what I made it out the door with, but I seemed to have everything I need. When it was time to leave, I climbed into the back seat of my mom's SUV, still throwing up, but knowing that if I didn't go that I would regret it for the rest of my life. All of Friday morning, and most of the trip to my Uncle's farm I started reciting Scripture. Mainly the Shepherd's Prayer ( Ps. 23) and the birth story in Luke. I was praying more fervently than I have ever prayed and I knew that I had an army of prayer warriors praying for me also.

By the time I got to the farm, I was feeling better, but not back to 100%. By Saturday, I was pretty much back to my old self ( the way I was BEFORE I got sick). Pouncing in the high grass with my cousins, exploring a 100 yr-old farm house, and feeding the resident bull.
But, the whole time I was still reciting my scriptures and praying. I was told Saturday morning that there would be time at the memorial service to get up and say a few words, which I wanted to do. I didn't know what I was going to say, but the night before I was listening to my IPOD and a song by Monk and Neagle came on titled: Dancing With the Angels. I listened to the song, and the wrote down the words as follows and read them at the memorial service. I was told later by alot of people, including the pastor that did the service that it was an excellent song to read and is very fitting for my what my family is going through.

Dancing With the Angels

Memories surround me, But sadness has found me. I'd do anything for more time.

Never before has someone meant more, and I can't get you out of my mind.

There is so much that I don't understand, but I know:

You're dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.

You're dancing with the Angels, Heaven fills your eyes.

Now that you're dancing with the Angels

You had love for your family. Love for all people. Love for the Father, and Son

Your heart will be heard, in your unspoken words. Through generations to come.

There is so much that I don't understand, but I know:

You're dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.

You're dancing with the Angels, Heaven fills your eyes.

Now that you're dancing with the Angels.

We're only here for such a short time.

So I'm gonna stand up, shout out,and sing Hallelujah!

One day I'll see you again

And we'll be dancing with the Angels, walking in new life.

We're dancing with the Angels, Heaven will fills our eyes.

When we're dancing with the Angels

So, for any of you our there, and all of my blogging friends who have lost their babies, know that your loved one is in a much better place.

Today on the drive back home, my mom and I were talking and I have come to the following conclusions:

1. I will go back to work after the first of the year. I have missed nannying so much, and will enjoy getting back into it. I will go back to work through the Nanny Agency that I work for, but no more night-nannying, and I want to only work with infants, since they are my speciality, and since I am trained and certified Infant Care Specialist. I would like to work with Special Needs infants too, since I have my own experience with that. I won't be returning full-time, but maybe 10-20 hrs a week, just to keep me out of the house some.

2. I will return to volunteering at MOPS. I took the fall semester off to recover from surgery. But after volunteering for several different MOPS groups for 6 years, I miss it too. I know that the mom's will be glad to have me back, as will the leaders.

3. I will return to church, and will decide on a church home. During the past 6 months, I feel like I have lost one church family, but gained another. Being so sick and in the hospital so much and then at home in bed for so long has really left me out of touch with the "outside world". But, while I was hurting my church family at the time, didn't walk my journey with me, instead they left me, leaving me to deal with all of this by myself. But, also during this time, I have started attending a new church and have gained a new church family, who has helped me out so much more than the previous church.

I have a big decision to make, but I have to also take into acct. that one church only meets in the mornings, and one only meets at night, and it is possible to attend both on Sunday's.

4. Starting immediatly, I will walk at the park track daily with my dog, and think about joining a new gym opening by my house.

5. Also starting immediatly, I will start reading my Bible daily and having a daily quiet time, even if it's in my own way.

6. The last starting immediatly, I will start taking atleast 1 meal a day by tube feeds. Tube feeding once daily and not eating that meal will help with the pain, and will also help me start losing weight.

7. I will take steps to start making friends again. Other than my best friend, I have no other friends. All of my so called "friends" left me once I got sick, and I have not heard anything from them in over 4 months. I have tried all my life to make friends with people with Special Needs, because for most of my life I have been a person with special needs. After going through what I went through this summer, I realize that not everyone can make and be friends, and accept people with those with Special Needs.

I don't want to come home and return to the person who spent all her time in bed and in pain. I want to come home and return to the person I was before I got sick and had surgery. I, along with my mom and some other family members saw that person come out again, and really enjoyed it.

I know that this has been a really long post, but I remembered everything that I had to say and needed to say.

I hope that you can see that through all the pain and heartache that I have been through these past 3 days, 1 weeks, and 6 months, that God has never left my side, and that if I had put my 100% trust in Him that I wouldn't have had to go through alot of the stuff that I have been through in the past week.

Feelings

So, I have depression and bi-polar disorder. As long as I'm on my meds I'm fine, but 2 days without them and my moods are going everywhere. Such as the past few days. For whatever reason I haven't taken them, and I'm suffering. I feel like crying and tears have come to my eyes several times today. But, after sending a bad e-mail this afternoon, and recieving some harsh comments, and I am angery and upset.

When I was growing up, I had such a hard time making friends, infact, I still do today. But, the friends that I did make, I am still friends with, except they are all adults, except one, who I am re-building an old relationship with. But, back to the adults. I have been hurt by so many people my age growing up, that I never could trust anyone, I still can't today, not very well anyways.
I remember that as a child I would take things from my house and give them to my "friends" to buy their friendship and love. It would work temporarly, but then they would hate me again.
I am thinking that I am doing that again. I have made a new friend, an adult friend, but a friend. Am I returning to my old ways to try to buy her friendship and love? Do I really think that she won't love me for who I am? Or, am I just being friendly and giving gifts and cards because that's the kind of person that I am? But if the latter is true, then why can she not just accept the gifts and cards with a open, grateful heart? Why must she put up such a fight? Just accept the #$%& present or card and go on. Why is that so hard for people?