Tuesday, February 12, 2008


So, I have depression and bi-polar disorder. As long as I'm on my meds I'm fine, but 2 days without them and my moods are going everywhere. Such as the past few days. For whatever reason I haven't taken them, and I'm suffering. I feel like crying and tears have come to my eyes several times today. But, after sending a bad e-mail this afternoon, and recieving some harsh comments, and I am angery and upset.

When I was growing up, I had such a hard time making friends, infact, I still do today. But, the friends that I did make, I am still friends with, except they are all adults, except one, who I am re-building an old relationship with. But, back to the adults. I have been hurt by so many people my age growing up, that I never could trust anyone, I still can't today, not very well anyways.
I remember that as a child I would take things from my house and give them to my "friends" to buy their friendship and love. It would work temporarly, but then they would hate me again.
I am thinking that I am doing that again. I have made a new friend, an adult friend, but a friend. Am I returning to my old ways to try to buy her friendship and love? Do I really think that she won't love me for who I am? Or, am I just being friendly and giving gifts and cards because that's the kind of person that I am? But if the latter is true, then why can she not just accept the gifts and cards with a open, grateful heart? Why must she put up such a fight? Just accept the #$%& present or card and go on. Why is that so hard for people?

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