How I Feel

First off, Stellan is still in the PICU and still in his hometown. It seems that God is once again working a miracle through his life. To find out more, click his prayer button to the right.
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On to how I feel.

I have been recently diagonised with post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
People that usually have PTSD are military men & women who have fought in war(s), first responders (police, firefighters, EMS, etc), people who have witnessed first hand some kind of horrible bad thing (a murder, a rape victim, bombing victims, car accident victims, etc).
Other people that might have it are people like me. People who have spent countless months or years in and/or out of the hospital, who have been very close to death, who have been told there is nothing more medically that can be done, etc.

These past 8 weeks have been the longest ever. It's also been the longest time in the past 16 months that I've been out of the hospital/ER.
But, it's also been the longest time that I've been away from God. And the reprucussions from that are just hitting me. No church, no prayer, no Bible reading, nothing. Slowly, I am starting to see that abandoning God was probably not the smartest idea. But, I am having great questions of how a God so loving and kind and who doesn't want to see His children hurting, can let a child of His hurt for so long.
In 15 months I have gone from a healthy, life loving, love to work, always in Church on Sunday person to a weak, sick, can barely get out of bed much less the house, haven't been to church in 6 weeks person.
And all for what? At first I thought, and I still do think , it was because God wanted to use me to show people that even though I was sick and fighting for my life, I was still living for Him and I was more than willing to let God work through me. But now, I'm not so sure.

But, the one thing that I am sure of is this: no matter how far I go down the road without God, He is ALWAYS there, waiting with open arms for His children to return.
The following song is how I feel now.
It is by Natalie Grant, and the title is "I Will Not Be Moved".

I have been a wayward child, I have acted out.
I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts.
And though sometimes, my prayers feel like there bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved.
Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score, of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed, that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn, and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand,

I will not be moved

Long Summer Days & Stellan

Is it just me or is July the month that may never end? This month has seemed to drag on forever. Maybe because this July will go down as the hottest EVER for Austin. Maybe because we are in the middle of the worst drought this part of Texas has seen since the 1950's. Maybe because I have been in my house for weeks, too out of it to go anywhere. Who knows, but I'd give anything to go to a place where it is less than 70 degrees and it rains. To say that I can't wait till winter is the understatement of the year. But, last night on the news it was said that August is always hotter than July.

I've been doing ok. Yesterday I was in bed all day due to severe pain, but today I got up early and I've been running errands all day.
I haven't had health insurance for about 3-4 years, but as of Aug. 1st, I will have Medicare. I'm excited about that. It will be such a relief not to have to pay out-of-pocket for all Dr.'s visits and for medications.
There is a new pharmacy near my house, and one of their services is free delivery. I haven't used that yet, but I am trying to get all my prescriptions moved to that one place, instead of have scripts at 4-5 different places. I am also finding that they have better prices than some of the well known big box pharmacies, since I have been doing cost comparisions on all my meds.

My eating is still not that great, but when I went to the grocery store this morning I got some healthy food and some peaches and carrots. This store also has a section called "Cafe on the Run" , so you can get pre-made food, they pack it for you, and you take it home and cook it. They happen to have the best Mac & Cheese I've ever had, so I bought some of it too.


In other news.
Stellan is back in the hospital and is waiting to be airlifted to Children's Hospital in Boston. It's where he went to in April. He will have to have another heart surgery, and there is a good chance that he will come out of surgery with a pacemaker. He is not doing well, but is better than he was just 24 hrs ago. This trip to Boston both his parents are going on, as the trip in April only his mother went. His family came together yesterday afternoon for a prayer vigil. During the past 72 hours (3 days) he has only been OUT of SVT 1 1/2 hr. His SVT has been at a constant rate in the mid 200's, so that's about 240 heartbeats a minute.
Please keep him and his family, and those that are and will be taking care of him in your prayers. For latest updates you can click on his name, which will take you to his mom's page, scroll down and find her twitter updates, which she has been updating regularly.

Stellan and update on my appt.

My appt. with the new pain management Dr. went pretty poorly today. I was not happy when I left his office and I haven't stopped crying since.
Pretty much the following is going to happen... for now. I will stay on the pain patch. They are NOT cheap. For 5 patches it was $120, I don't know how much 10 patches will be. While I am on the patches I CANNOT drive, as if something were to happen (car accident) it would be discovered that I am wearing a pain patch and would be at fault for driving while under the influence of a controlled substance.
Driving is my one last normalacy in my life. I have a birthday next week, and I feel that instead of moving toward becoming a full adult, that I am having to rely on my mom more and more know and it is turnng me back into a child.
The new Dr. wants me to see a different pain Dr, who has a 2 month waiting list, who has different therapies and techaniquies that would help me better.
The new Dr. said (and very bluntly at that) that I would never get better with pain control. I will be in pain for the rest of my life, and other than making me comfortable, there is no cure.

I used my savings to go and see this new Dr. and that money was what I used to pay for other Dr. appts, to pay for my prescriptions, and to buy my groceries and pay my bills. Now that money is gone and I don't know what is going to happen.
I will be able to start using Medicare in Aug. of this year, but I still have to pay some out-of-pocket until then. And now to go and see an different Dr. will cost more money.

There are so many"ifs" right now, and I don't know what is going to happen. I have started having daily anxiety/panic attacks, and have run out of the meds to treat them.
I am so lost right now. I feel like I am doing this all on my own, and while my mom is trying to do her best, her mom is sick too, so my mom is having to choose between staying home and taking care of me or going and taking care of my grandmother.

I feel like I am walking down this road alone and that I don't have any support or true friends that I can turn to. I don't see that light at the end of the tunnel and don't see a way out.
I will say that there are several other factors that play into this as well, that I don't want to share, but need prayer for. But, I feel that no matter how many people pray, my life and the situations in it just keep getting worse.
I feel abandoned by my family and "so-called friends/acquaintances" and by God.
I don't know how else to ask for prayers, when I don't see them working.
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On a different note. Stellan was taken back to the ER this afternoon and has been admitted to the PICU. His SVT is out of control and the meds are NOT working. His Dr. has been consulting with the Dr. in Boston, but a decision to be made is still up in the air. Please pray that his SVT will stop and he will not have to be in the hospital for long. You can read about this latest hospitalization and all updates on his mom's page.

God is BIGGER than me and all of us.

Today has been a long, trying, exhausting day. Lots of prayers, questions for God, praises to God, and no answers.

I have spent most of this year battaling illnesses, sickness, and bad health for myself. But then when you throw in Stellan, Dakota, Kayleigh, and the other babies I have been following, and fallen in love with, it stirs the pot.

How can a God, one who loves each of every one of HIS children, give and take away life at free will? How can we as humans, but also HIS children pray and pray until we are prayed out? How can we join millions of Christians around the world pray for babies, and others that are sick, and still watch God take some home to Heaven, leave some on earth to suffer and fight for their lives, and let others get sicker and put Dr.'s in their lives who can't do anything.



I have been learning these past few weeks how to pray scripture. How to use scripture when I pray. So, because of this, I have been scouring the Bible for my favorite verses. The following are some of the verses that I have been praying.



Psalms 91: 14-16


"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."



Zephaniah 3: 17



" The LORD our God is with you, HE is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, HE will quiet you with HIS love, HE will rejoice over you with singing."



John 9:3



"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 ( The Message)

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations,
and so I wouldn't get a big head,
I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.
Satan's angel did his best to get me down;
What he in fact did was push me to my knees.
No danger then of walking around high and mighty!
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.
Three times I did that, and then HE told me,
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

Monday Updates

I have REALLY GOOD news, really BAD news, and "Is it Over yet" news.

I'll start with the good. Stellan was discharged from the hospital this morning and will be returning home TOMORROW!!! His heart is better, he is looking and feeling better and boy does his mom want to be home.
Bad news, Dakota has taken a turn for the worse. All I know is the she has a really HIGH fever, her BP is all over the place, and she has several infections she is trying to fight. She was moved from her regular room to the PICU this afternoon.

IIOY - I made another trip to the ER last night. Had 1 test ran, loaded up on pain meds, and was sent home. I have an appt. with MY GI Dr. TOMORROW afternoon. Things will be said/ done at this appt. that will change my life. I won't leave unless this happens. The Dr. may have given up on me, but I have not given up on me. Pray that things go well and I get answers, and if not those than the help that I need NOW.

Please also take time to visit Kayleigh & Gavin's links to the left of this post. They are both need extra prayers this week. For Kayleigh, as she fights to live. For Gavin as he fights his disease and subsquent hospitalizations.
Tricia is at home and doing better.

Updates and prayers.. many of each.

Two posts in one day, wow.

First off, Kayleigh is holding her own.
It appears that sometime during or shortly after her surgery last week that her brain had lack of blood and oxygen. But, again it's too early to tell. The good news is that she is coming down on her breathing settings (she's on a trach.), but since the surgery she is NOT breathing on her own. She is no longer on pain meds, her bp is normal, and her oxygen stats are on room temp. She has "woken" up, and moved around, but she has a blank stare and repetive movements that are consistent with being brain dead and a sign that something is very wrong. Her parents are asking for some additional tests to be done to see if there is anything that can be done to "fix" her or to find out what went wrong.
Please continue to keep this family in your prayers.

Secondly, I realized this afternoon that I didn't update about Stellan's surgery yesterday. He was the reason I didn't sleep night before last. I was awake praying and worrying all night. But, Stellan made it through the almost 5 hr. (suppose to be 3hr) surgery. Every possible scenario that could have happened did, but Stellan made it. God was truly at work in Stellan yesterday. He does have some residual/maybe permanent heart damage, but his heart is still too small to tell for sure. His mom posted about everything that happened during the surgery on her blog.

Third, last Saturday I went to the new Children's hospital in town to visit Dakota . Her mom came and visited me last year when I was in the hospital, so I returned the favor this year. We had a great visit, but sadly, Dakota will not be coming home anytime soon. Her situation is VERY complicated, so if you want to know more, visit her page. Please just pray for this family, as Dakota has been IN the hospital more this year than OUT of it, and it's only April. With this current visit, she has atleast 2, maybe 3 more weeks. Dakota has 2 older siblings at home, so time with mom is a bit different now. Please pray that the next few weeks go by quickly, and that this will be her last hospitalization for a while.

Fourth, Tricia is back in the hospital with pneoumnia. It has been a year since her double lung transplant, and she's been doing well. A few weeks ago she started feeling bad and could tell something wasn't right, but her tests came back fine. She went to the ER yesterday morning and that's when they found the pneoumnia. Please pray that she gets better quickly.

And lastly there's me.
I have been working all week on a post, and it still isn't done. It has never taken me this long to write a blog post. But, this post is very deep, and it is coming straight from the deepest depths of my heart. It has alot in it, so I don't know if it will be published in sections or all at once.

Today was a good day. I had lunch with my family out of town to celebrate my cousin's birthday. I couldn't eat but 3 very small pieces of a cheese quesadilla. Then the pain set in, and I am still hurting. While driving home, I called my GI Dr. and spoke with the office manager for 20 min. (supposedly there's a flag on my chart that whenever I call in, I talk to the office manager before making any appts.). I told him the same thing I've been saying for almost a year now. I've had 2 botox procedures in the past 8 months, neither helped or worked. I've been off ALL narcotic pain meds for the past 3 weeks, pain is still there when I eat and equally when I do my tube feeds. And hearing that in the year 2009 there is NOTHING that can be done is no longer acceptable by me. I want answers, I want to eat a "real" meal again. I don't want to be in constant pain. I don't want a feeding tube.
Tomorrow I have 2 appts. - a Dr.'s and my theraphy. I'm also having lunch with a really good friend. We're going to Souper Salad, since I know that I will be able to eat soup.
Friday is a big day as I will be volunteering with Austin's newest quintuplets!!! The 5 babies were born in January, and being a nanny and already having volunteered with Austin's first set of quints, I wanted more fun. I am doing this on a volunteer basis, I love babies & kids, God has given me a gift of working with babies & kids, why not put my skills to good use. Besides, with having quints, help is always needed and wanted. Hopefully my health will continue to be good and I will be able to help on a weekly basis. Something to keep me busy and out of the house.

Thanks to all those who have been praying for the babies this week. Sometimes, I wish that more people read my blog, but then I remember in time maybe that will happen. For now I am OK with the 10 or 20 people that read it. That allows me to post more meanigful things and know that it won't be traveling very far.

New person & Stellan's heart surgery

Tonight I am very heavy hearted. For several reasons.

Stellan took a turn for the worse this evening. His SVT came back out of the blue and he has NOT been able to break out of it on his own and the drugs are not helping. He is having heart surgery TOMORROW morning (8:30am Boston time) and after reading his mother's description of what is suppose to happen, I started crying. Stellan needs all the prayers he can get tomorrow. Only a miracle will heal Stellan's heart tomorrow, but thankfully I KNOW the Great Physcian.
Ephesians 3:20 sums what what needs to happen tomorrow in order for Stellan to live and the surgery to be a success. "Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope."
Please take time to read Stellan's blog tonight. His mother gives SPECIFIC instructions on how and what to pray for them tomorrow. Prayers for Stellan's family (in Boston and at home in Minnesota), for the surgeons, and all involved tomorrow.

I had talk theraphy this afternoon. It was exhausting for me, I talked about alot, but what I said is life changing. It was my first session since going through my "trial" that started just under 3 weeks ago. My therapist actually looked at me and said that, not only am I a completly different person than I was 3 weeks ago, but I look better too. I told her that after going through what I did I feel like a different person. My mind is clearer and I have a much better outlook on life. But, with that being said, I am learning to be a different person. I am taking baby steps, and already have 2 behind me. 1) I went to church yesterday morning. The preacher's sermon was on trials and spoke right to me. 2) I have turned to God, scripture, and my Christian music while going through this. I have fought my battles and demons these past 3 weeks and won, something that I didn't do before.
I have more on this in a post I'm working on later.
I see God more clearly than I ever did before.

Updates on the Babies... God has been good today

God has been good today.
Things have gone well for Kayleigh and Stellan.
First off, Stellan is in Boston at the Children's hospital. He is in the CICU: Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit. Since his arrival early this afternoon he has had more labs done and a VERY indepth echo done and some chest xrays. His mom got to talk to the heart Dr. there and things are looking promising.
Please keep this family in your prayers. Stellan has 3 older siblings at home who are probably wondering what is going on and where their mom and baby brother are. Please also keep Stellan's dad and whoever else is taking care of the older children in your prayers. Pray for patience and that these kids will have some sense of understanding.

Secondly, Kayleigh made it through her surgery with no problems. However she is having a hard time recovering. She is very swollen, she's having a hard time keeping up with her stats, and she's just not feeling good. But, all of that is VERY understandable considering what she went through this morning.

Third, is Dakota. The only update I have for her is from this morning. She was still running a high fever at 10am, and because of that she was packed/covered in ice, in attempt to lower her temp. She was up for many tests and scans today to try to figure out what is going on with her.

I had a good day. The best I've had in a week. I got out this afternoon for about a hour and then came home and walked my dog around the block. I am over the worst of this time, but have a ways to go. Today has been exactly one week since everything started, and while I thought it would go by slowly and have a much different outcome, it has gone by very quickly and I have done well. Thanks to ALOT of prayers, and support from my mom and family and friends.

Big Day in Small Babies Lives

There are some babies in my prayer list that are having a BIG day today. And I'd like to write and ask for prayers for them today.

First off is, Kayleigh. She was born 6-08 weighing 1lb 1oz. Today, she's almost 10mts old, but has never left her bed in the NICU. She's fought so hard to live and make it this far. This morning she is having surgery that will help her to be able to come home soon. She's having: a g-tube placed (feeding tube, directly into stomach), Nissen (surgery to connect esophagus and stomach tighter {helps keeping acid reflux away}), Bilateral Hernia Repair & a new Central Line Placement.
Please pray for Kayleigh. I've had 2 of the above surgeries before, but having 4 things at once is HUGE. Pray that she can make it safely through and pray for wisdom and steady hands for the Dr.'s and nurses.

Second, is Stellan. He, his mom, and a PICU nurse are flying to Boston today in prep for his heart surgery, sometime next week. Stellan took a turn for the worse earlier in the week, and that sealed it for him for the Boston trip. Please check out his page for more info as alot has happened this week.

Third is Dakota. After being home from the hospital for only 2 days, she made her entrance in the ER late Monday night with a fever of 105. The Dr.'s started her on heavy duty anti-biotics, and pulled her PICC line (thinking that was the source of the infection), well it's not or wasn't because as of 2am this morning her temp was 106. Please pray that the Dr.'s can find the source of the infection and get her fever under control. Please pray for her mom as this is the 4th hospitalization in almost as many weeks.

As for me, I am feeling good. Alot better than I did last week when everything first started. I got out of the house yesterday, and may do so again today. I spoke to 1 family member on the phone yesterday (first time I've talked to anyone in a week). My only issue is my sleep. Because the meds I'm on make me sleep during the day, when night rolls around I'm not tired. I try to sleep at night with the use of sleeping pills, but they do nothing. Please pray that I can get back on a regular sleep pattern and start sleeping soundly.

Prayers for Stellan and Dakota

***Updates***
Stellan is still in the hospital, but no longer in the PICU, he was moved to a normal room, after spending 3 weeks in the PICU. Since getting a new Dr, the meds are working, but he is still having SVT episodes. He has to go 72 hours w/o ANY SVT episodes, before he can go home.
Dakota went home from the hospital Saturday afternoon. She will continue to get her TPN feedings through her PICC line. She is doing MUCH better now that she has fluids in her, and is feeling good.
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Both of these sweet babies need prayers as they are both having small procedures to put in more permanent IV lines tomorrow morning.

Stellan is having a Broviac catheter put in (It's a very permanent central line that goes right into his heart and is typically placed in the chest, with a tube going under his skin from the heart to the exit location.). Stellan has also been taken off all IV meds and is only on oral meds. However, if the oral meds don't work by the end of the week, then he will be transported to Boston Children's hospital to have an ablation surgery. This surgery is VERY risky in infants.
Stellan continues to be in SVT, as his heartrate is in the high 200's.

Dakota is having a PICC line put in. (A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time, put into the upper arms area). Through the PICC line she will start getting TPN ( being fed through the IV, rather than eating or using liquid formula).
Dakota was taken to the ER last night because her heartrate was VERY low, in the low 60's. She has also been feeling bad for the past few months, and having a hard time taking her g-tube feeds (feeding tube through her stomach). She has become very lethargic recently, and is not acting like herself.

Please keep both these babies in your prayers tonight and tomorrow. Please also be in prayer for their families. Stellan is going into day 17 in the PICU and this is Dakota's 3rd hospitalization in 6 weeks.
You can find more info and the latest updates of both of their blogs. Just click their names and it will take you there.

Really Good Day & Prayer Updates

I had a REALLY good day today!!!
It started bad. I was suppose to have lunch with a really good friend (she was like an "other" mother while I was growing up), but when I woke up this morning, I wasn't feeling well.
I took some pain meds and rested for a while, and then decided that I NEEDED to run my errands. I had a list of them and it was growing.
I ended up going everywhere today: Blockbuster to return a movie, the post office to mail a Netflix back, the bank, Wal-Mart ( I actually went twice, to 2 different ones), my dad's house ( whom I haven't seen in 2 months, he went to Israel in Feb. and he got me a lot fo cool stuff), Lowes ( to buy some gardening stuff). Then I went home for a while, and then my mom called, and I met her and my grandmother ( and later my aunt and uncle showed up) at the Cracker Barrel. I got a "big dinner", thinking I could eat it, because I hadn't eated anything else today, but couldn't eat but a few bites, because nothing would go down.
I came home, go back into my PJ's, and then made a late night trip to HEB to get some groceries.

I've just felt really good today (other then the intense pain after eating). I've been more up and about today than I have in 6 weeks.

While I've been a home, I've been watching CSI:NY. My fav. of the series. I'm on Season 2, disc 6. There's 4 season's on DVD. I'm half way through.

So, all in all I had a pretty good day. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut. First time since Oct. when I cut off 9 inches to give to Beautiful Lengths ( think Locks of Love, but by Pantene).
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Prayer Requests and Update on Stellan

I have a couple of prayer requests and an important update on Stellan.

I'll start with Stellan.
Stellan is at 24 hours and counting with no SVT and his heart beating in Normal Sinus Rhythm!
But, he has tested positive for the rotovirus. (stomach flu for kids).
Just because he's been SVT free for 1 day doesn't mean he's out of the woods, he's no where close to that. Check out his Mama's blog for more info.

My friend Emily, is in labor (if she's not yet had) a beautfiul baby girl named Abigail Joy. Emily lost her other baby girl, Miller Grace 18 months ago, and has been on a journey with God to learn about His redemption and peace after such a loss. Check her page for an update on details on Miller Grace's story.

You may have noticed a new prayer button, for a cute little boy to the left of this post. His name is Gavin and he's almost 4 yrs old. Gavin was rushed to the hospital this afternoon, after it was discovered he has some chronic internal bleeding. He is having an endoscopy tomorrow afternoon to see what's going on. Gavin has alot of the same digestive and intestinal problems that I do, so I know what he is going through and how he feels.

Thank you for praying for Stellan and for the ones listed above.

Prayers Still needed for Stellan... & an update on me

Stellan is STILL hanging on. He had a better weekend, but is still fighting the SVT. His momma is SO tired and stressed. Please keep Momma in your prayers too.
Stellan also made the news yesterday in his home town. Check out this news segment. http://kstp.com/news/stories/S859209.shtml?cat=1
Please continue checking his Momma' page for updates. http://www.mycharmingkids.net/


As for me, I made another trip to the ER on Sunday, due to pain. It was a nightmare, and didn't really help. I ran out of my pain meds and have been really miserable without them. I went to the Dr. this morning and I am back on them and feeling somewhat better.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

As we are all aware, Not Me! Monday was started by MckMama. "I created Not Me! Monday for the purpose of confessing our shortcomings and imperfections to each other since, after all, we are all only human!" (MckMama's words)

However, this week, in honor of her and Baby Stellan, we're doing "Not Me! Monday - Stellan Style!"
This week, it's our chance to HONOR MckMama and Stellan with our Not Me! Mondays.

This week I Did Not post all my status updates about Stellan. Asking people to pray for him and visit his Mama's blog.

This week I Did Not tell the nurse in the ER yesterday all about him and his story.

This week I Did Not show MckMama's Prayer Post to my therapist and talk about how I could relate to everything she had written. We Did Not spend 30 min talking about Stellan and MckMama.

This week I Did Not check MckMama's blog and twitter page every 30 min. for updates.

This week I Did Not post about Stellan in most all of my blog posts.

This week I Did Not spend most of my waking hours thinking about him and praying for him.

This week I Did Not e-mail some of my friends asking them to pray for him.

Friday night post

This has been a LONG week.
First off, Stellan is still hanging on. This week has been amazing as far as his life and his family are concerned. While he has been in the hospital fighting for his life, there has been a prayer blog set up for him here: http://prayingformckmuffin.blogspot.com/ and someone set up a prayer group for him on Facebook. I am in awe to see how so many strangers can come together to support, love, and pray for a 5 month old baby and his family, especially his mom.

I am still not feeling well. Well, actually I think I felt better for about 2 days, and now I feel bd again. Of course Texas weather isn't helping. For the past 3 days we have had thunderstorms and hail with each of them. We've had 2 cold fronts come through in a week and today it was 82 degrees and the wind was blowing really hard. The molds and tree pollen are really high, which is probably why I don't feel well.
My pain is getting worse. I have started a pain diary, in which I am writing down how many pills I take and when. I have taken much more these past few days that I thought I was.
I haven't slept much this week. My dog is terrified of thunderstorms (the thunder and lighting mostly), and she has been freaking out, which cause me to loose sleep because I have to be up with her to try to keep her calm.
I am hoping to sleep well tonight.

Well, that's all for now, I'm off to bed.

Please pray for Stellan

Stellan is NOT doing well, and has started to take a turn for the worse.
Please keep praying for him. For up to date info, see Mckmama's blog: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

URGENT prayers needed for Stellan

I know that I've mentioned Stellan before. He was the little baby, who in his moma's tummy was said to have SVT( an irregularly fast heartbeat). Thousands around the blogging community and the world started praying for him and a miracle happened. The SVT went away, and Stellan was healed. At his birth the Dr.'s were prepared for the worst to happen. It NEVER did, and Stellan was born happy and healthy.
***SVT is Fatal in anyone, if the Dr.'s can't get the heartrate down quickly***

Well, as of last night, he is in Children's Hospital and he is in SERIOUS condition. His SVT is back and his heart is beating is 300 bpm. In the ER last night the Dr.'s were trying anything and everything they could think of to help him... nothing worked. He is sedated, and is probably intubated by now to help him have a chance to calm his body down and let the tube breathe for him.

This afternoon, thousands around the blogging community and world are praying for another miracle. Pleae keep Stellan in your prayers. Please also pray for his mom: MckMama, as she is up there with him, running on no sleep, while her husband is at home with their other children who are also sick.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

A New Year, A New Me

Well, I wanted there is less than 12 hours left to 2008, and I am SO glad. 2008 has been the hardest year I have ever had to go through. With 3 deaths in the family, spending 4 months in the hospital, having major surgery, being so sick and near death, and so much more, but through it all there is one thing that I have learned: God will never leave my side and He is always there for me. I know that if I weren't a Christian and didn't know God that I wouldn't have made it.
So, what does 2009 hold for me? New changes. For starters, I have joined a gym. It's small, and less than a mile from my house, so I will be working out weekly, and I hope to loose some of the weight that I have gained these past few months. I am going to start volunteering with MOPS again, and I am so excited about starting that again. I am going to start my homeless ministry again. After reading "The Purpose Driven Life" a few years ago, I felt God calling me to make care bags for the homeless. Included in them will be, but not limited to: a bottle of water, crackers, clean socks, a tract, and other small food items. I am meeting with a guy who owns and runs a homeless ministry called Mobile Loaves and Fishes, and hope to get any other info for starting my ministry.
I have made a decision about what church I feel that I belong to and should be at, so I am excited to see how God will call me to get involved at church.
I am going to have alot of dental work done in the next few months to fix my teeth. My health is settling down. I hope that once I start excercising, I will start to feel better physically and emotionally. My best friend quit her job yesterday and is going to college, which means that will be able to spend more time together. I'm going to start working again, but only part-time.

I hope that 2009 is so much better than 2008 was. I wish you and your family all the best in the new year!!!

"In Christ I am a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come again."
2 Corinthians 5:17


PS: Baby Stellan is doing better. Last night he was able to drink breastmilk for the first time in days, his oxygen stats are improving, and his color has returned to normal. Check out his page for more updates.

Home from the Hospital

I am home from a 4 day stay at the hospital due to pneoumnia. Last Wed. (12/24) I woke up not feeling well, but couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Then, Christmas morning, I woke up and was in serious pain and was having trouble breathing. My mom took me to the ER, where I was immediatly taken to a room and started having tests run. I had a fever of 103, my heart was racing, and my oxygen stats were low. I was admitted, and got to come home this evening. The hospital that we went to is very small, and gradually people are starting to find out that it exsists. It only has 10 patient beds, and 7 or 8 labor and delivery beds. They don't admit high-risk patients, instead they transfer them to the big hospital downtown.
My mom and I were so pleased of the care that I got. The nurses were so nice and friendly.
The DR changed some of my meds and continued my anti-biotics. I'm not back to 100% yet, but I feel better than I did last week. Please pray that I will continue to get better and return to my normal activities.


I have a prayer request for baby Stellan. He was rushed to the hospital and has RSV, which can be deadly for infants. Please pray that he will get better and that the Dr.'s and nurses will know how to treat him.
I also have another friend whose daughter has pneoumnia and RSV, and they got home from the hospital yesterday, but she is on oxygen 24/7.

All God's Children

Let me begin by requesting that everyone be SAFE this Holiday Season. I went out to run some errands yesterday, and there were mad drivers everywhere, and some very close calls with wrecks. Please watch your speed while driving, and remember that nowhere is to important to get to by speeding. This time last year, I was in my first car accident because a lady didn't yield the right of way and turned right as I was driving pass the road she was turning on to. She hit me full force and I ( in my BIG car), spun out of control and hit another driver and then the light pole. Thankfully, I wasn't majoredly injured.

Just be careful and safe!!!

Now, for the "real" post.

Most of my blogging friends are my age. Late 20's and most if not all are married with children. Some have lost their babies this past year, some have had babies this year, or will have babies next year.

I wish that was me. I feel that my "clock" is ticking away, and that I will never find "Mr. Right". But, I know that God has the perfect plan for my life, and having a family isn't in the cards for me right now.

But even with our differences we are still God's Children. He has used the internet for us to connect with each other in order for us to form a community of believers that has: love for each other, prays for each other, encourages each other, comforts one another, inspires one another, and I could keep going.

I don't have a community of believers where I live that I belong to and can share my feelings and my day to day thoughts with, but I know that when I come online and write on my blog or read and comment on another blog that the internet community is there and that I have 10 - 15 women that I can turn to for encouragement.

Some may think that it is odd that I have all these blogging buddies, that I go to their site everyday to read their postings. But, because of that I have grown stronger in the Lord and I have seen that today in 2008 God still works miracles. Most of these women I will never meet on this side of Heaven, but I know that they are praying for me and I am praying for them.

God has lead me to several key sites to teach me different things:

Baby Stellan - this beautiful baby boy was NOT suppose to be born alive. He was NOT suppose to live if he was born alive. But, because of thousands of prayers and Stellan's parents faith in God, Stellan is ALIVE and doing amazing. God worked a miracle through a tiny baby boy, just like he did all those years ago when baby Jesus came into this Earth.

Tricia & Gwyneth - The days I feel I can't go on, I think of Tricia and look at her amazing strength and determination to keep living. This year alone, she has given birth to a beautiful baby girl, had a double lung transplant, and was diagnosised with and beat lymphoma. I know that her strength comes from Jesus Christ, but Tricia is an amazing example of clinging to the Cross and believing that God will get you through this and you'll never go alone. Gwyneth was born at 24 weeks and 4 days gestation weighing in at only 1lb 6oz and only 12 in. long. That was 10 months ago. Today, she is a beautiful baby girl who adores her parents and weighs 11lbs 2oz. She, along with so many other micro-preemies I know shouldn't be alive. But, with so many people praying for her and her team of Dr.'s and nurses in the NICU she is here and will be able to spend her first Thanksgiving with her family and all the people who are give thanks to God everyday that Gwyneth is here.

Their blog has been updated almost daily for a year by Nate, Tricia's husband. He is a wonderful husband and father and he too is an inspiration to me. So many time their family has been at the end, but he and thousands of people around the world have been on their knees praying for him and his family, and once again, God is still in the miracle business.

I know that I am sick, but I also know that I am not going through this alone.

The Lord says " I will never leave you."

God has each of His children right where He wants them, so that He can do things through them, in His time.

I am thankful to be meeting some of God's Children, even if it is only on the internet, because I know that the real meeting will be in Heaven, where there is no more pain, crying, sickness, or death. We will be free from our earthly bodies and all the heartache and dispair that accompanies them.

*** I know that was probably just me rambling, but I have been thinking of it all and need to get it out***