How I Feel

First off, Stellan is still in the PICU and still in his hometown. It seems that God is once again working a miracle through his life. To find out more, click his prayer button to the right.
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On to how I feel.

I have been recently diagonised with post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
People that usually have PTSD are military men & women who have fought in war(s), first responders (police, firefighters, EMS, etc), people who have witnessed first hand some kind of horrible bad thing (a murder, a rape victim, bombing victims, car accident victims, etc).
Other people that might have it are people like me. People who have spent countless months or years in and/or out of the hospital, who have been very close to death, who have been told there is nothing more medically that can be done, etc.

These past 8 weeks have been the longest ever. It's also been the longest time in the past 16 months that I've been out of the hospital/ER.
But, it's also been the longest time that I've been away from God. And the reprucussions from that are just hitting me. No church, no prayer, no Bible reading, nothing. Slowly, I am starting to see that abandoning God was probably not the smartest idea. But, I am having great questions of how a God so loving and kind and who doesn't want to see His children hurting, can let a child of His hurt for so long.
In 15 months I have gone from a healthy, life loving, love to work, always in Church on Sunday person to a weak, sick, can barely get out of bed much less the house, haven't been to church in 6 weeks person.
And all for what? At first I thought, and I still do think , it was because God wanted to use me to show people that even though I was sick and fighting for my life, I was still living for Him and I was more than willing to let God work through me. But now, I'm not so sure.

But, the one thing that I am sure of is this: no matter how far I go down the road without God, He is ALWAYS there, waiting with open arms for His children to return.
The following song is how I feel now.
It is by Natalie Grant, and the title is "I Will Not Be Moved".

I have been a wayward child, I have acted out.
I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts.
And though sometimes, my prayers feel like there bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved.
Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score, of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed, that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn, and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand,

I will not be moved

in MY weakness HE is strong

I hit rock bottom earlier this afternoon.
I recieved an e-mail from another blogging friend, one that I'd been waiting for for a while. While reading her e-mail and then replying to it, I started crying, and didn't stop for almost 45 min. later. Reading ALL that I have been through, not just in the past year, but my whole life, was vary harrowing for me. It brought back a flood of emotions, replay's of my life, and it made me even more determined to find someone who KNOWS what they are talking about reguarding my medical care.
During my meltdown, I made me a iTunes playlist of songs that would help me get through my current situation. I took my Bible, started reading one particular passage, and started praying. With the music playing in my ears, scripture in my head, and God filling me with HIS strength, I drifted off to sleep. Awakeing almost 2 hours later, feeling somewhat refreshed, and a little bit stronger.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. This weekend, I feel will not end up good, meaning I will find myself in the hospital by the end of it. I'm hurting, I can't keep food down, tube feeds hurt.
I want to share the scripture passage, that I have taken to be my new life passage.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10, (The Message)
"Because of the extravagance of those revelations,
and so I wouldn't get a big head,
I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.
Satan's angel did his best to get me down;
What he in fact did was push me to my knees.
No danger then of walking around high and mighty!
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.
Three times I did that, and then he told me,
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

Songs and Presents

Today was a busy and short day. I went to bed at 3am, got up at 6:30am for morphine & benadryl, went back to sleep at 7:15am, and slept until 11:30am.
I met my dad at a local bank and got set up on a joint account for me. Actually it's my acct., but it's in my dad's name, and it's funded by my part of money from my grandfather's estate.
Then I went to Target and HEB to get groceries and stuff.
At Target I bought 2 Christmas Presents. I know it's early, but I want to have all my Christmas shopping done by Dec. 1st, which is 8 weeks from now, and will go by so quickly. I know that I don't have to buy as many presents as I did last year.
I put 9 new songs on my IPOD on Monday and they are all so good.
Come to Jesus ~ Chris Rice
God of this City ~ Christ Tomlin
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah ~ Indelible Grace Music (old school hymn, new school rhythm)
Walk By Faith, Take You Back, and This Man ~ Jeremy Camp
Beautiful, Scandalous Night ~ Robbie Seay Band
Love Story ~ Taylor Swift
Jesus Paid it All ~ Kristian Stanfill (old school hymn, new school rhythm)

Off to bed, long day tomorrow