Feeling bad together

Dakota feels and looks much like I do.

I am very sore, and just not feeling well today. I have slept most of the day and slept well (for me) last night. My surgery site is very swollen and tender to touch, but I HAD to change the dressing last night. I tried to do a tube feed, but after about a hour stopped due to pain.

I had wanted to go to church this morning, and even woke up early, but couldn't talk myself into going. I want to go to church tonight, as the pastor is starting a new series, but feel not well, and can't get out of the house, much less my bed.

More bruises are coming up from my fall and I've always heard that the 3rd day is when you feel the worse. Guess what day today is?

Both Dakota and I are still needing prayers.

Thx.

A New Year, A New Me

Well, I wanted there is less than 12 hours left to 2008, and I am SO glad. 2008 has been the hardest year I have ever had to go through. With 3 deaths in the family, spending 4 months in the hospital, having major surgery, being so sick and near death, and so much more, but through it all there is one thing that I have learned: God will never leave my side and He is always there for me. I know that if I weren't a Christian and didn't know God that I wouldn't have made it.
So, what does 2009 hold for me? New changes. For starters, I have joined a gym. It's small, and less than a mile from my house, so I will be working out weekly, and I hope to loose some of the weight that I have gained these past few months. I am going to start volunteering with MOPS again, and I am so excited about starting that again. I am going to start my homeless ministry again. After reading "The Purpose Driven Life" a few years ago, I felt God calling me to make care bags for the homeless. Included in them will be, but not limited to: a bottle of water, crackers, clean socks, a tract, and other small food items. I am meeting with a guy who owns and runs a homeless ministry called Mobile Loaves and Fishes, and hope to get any other info for starting my ministry.
I have made a decision about what church I feel that I belong to and should be at, so I am excited to see how God will call me to get involved at church.
I am going to have alot of dental work done in the next few months to fix my teeth. My health is settling down. I hope that once I start excercising, I will start to feel better physically and emotionally. My best friend quit her job yesterday and is going to college, which means that will be able to spend more time together. I'm going to start working again, but only part-time.

I hope that 2009 is so much better than 2008 was. I wish you and your family all the best in the new year!!!

"In Christ I am a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come again."
2 Corinthians 5:17


PS: Baby Stellan is doing better. Last night he was able to drink breastmilk for the first time in days, his oxygen stats are improving, and his color has returned to normal. Check out his page for more updates.

Does anyone really care?

I haven't felt good this week at all. I have spent the last 2 days in bed and never got out of my gown. I don't know if it is allergies ( which are bothering me) or something else going on. I have been in alot of pain and relying heavly on my morphine. Today I've been queazy as well.

My mom, grandmother, and all my aunts are going to Odessa, TX for the weekend, leaving me alone all weekend. With me feeling the way I am I am sensing that something is going to happen. Luckly, I have spoken with the pastor of my church and have an emergency plan in place if I do have to go to the ER.

I love the chuch that I have been going to. So much so that I think that I am going to join when I go back, which will probably be this Sunday, since my best friend wants to go as well.
The following is an e-mail that I sent to some of the staff of this church on my feelings for this church, and my feelings for the church that I am a member of.

"I just wanted to say thanks for all the support that I have been getting from the members of your church. Part of the reason I quit going to my previous church and left my community group there was because the whole time I was sick and in the hospital over the summer, I got no phone calls, e-mails, visits, etc. It hurt me that a church that big (2,500+ members) and with so many people on staff (60+ people on staff), and the closeness that I had with the members of my community group no one made any effort to check on me during my hospital stays. My thinking is that the whole point of church and especially community groups is to be there for each other and to life each other up in time of hardships,and I got none of that. But, since I have been coming to your church and the 1 time I made it to CG, I have gotten numerous e-mails, cards, and even a gift certificate for my mom and me. The people of your church is what makes that church great. "

I have always been the type of person who sends card to the sick, and really take time out to check on them. I can't believe that the people of that church and the members of my past CG, couldn't take time to do the same for me. My therapist wants me to write an outline or draft letter to send to the people on staff to let them know how they hurt me and how they might be able to change the next time someone like me comes into that church needing assistance.
God says " Love one another the way that I have loved you." I never felt that love from them. But, I do feel it from the staff and members of my new church. I really feel God's love when I am there and even when I'm not.
Don't forget to take time to show someone you care. Either by card, e-mail, a phone call, or a visit. People will remember your kindness and will pay it forward.

Things I learned from Church today

So, today I sat through 2 church services and both messages were very good, and I took very good notes in both and I wanted to share what I learned/ what God showed me.
This morning's passage was James 5:13-16. I've been gone from church for about 5 months, and they are still in the same book as when I left and there is only 5 chapters in the book. Hmm!
This morning was about Faith. We all know about Faith, but do we really have Faith? After this morning's sermon, I am really questioning mine.
But, this message also solidfied something for me, which is something that alot of believers don't believe and is a gray area of the church: laying of hands and anointing of oil. I am a big believer of laying of hands, even though some aren't. I asked for it from the pastor and deacons at a previous church before traveling out of state in 2006 to seek (at the time, life-changing) medical treatment. The deacons questioned my request and almost didn't let it happen, but the night of my prayer service, they were in a meeting to fire the pastor of the church, so none of the deacons attended. Then again, I asked for laying of the hands prayer service in my community group last month. My leader had no problem with it.
6 key points from the message:
1. God is Able: God DOES heal according to His grace and kindness. He has the power to heal whenever and whatever @ His choosing.
2. Sin is miserable: any sickness that's been caused by personal sin, all sickness is a result of the fall.
3. Prayer is Powerful: prayer expresses total dependence in the Lord.
4. Elders are responsible
5. Medicine is Useful
6. Healing is possible

If these 6 points are true, which I know they are, than how come I have not been healed? That is my big question. I have people all over the world praying for me, but I had no miraculous healing from my illness. Why are other people being healed but not me? Do I still believe that God can heal me whenever He wants, yes; but do I really believe it? Do I have faith to believe it?
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Tonight's sermon was called: The Journey From Darkness to Light based on John 9:24-41 .
All of John 9 is the story of Jesus healing the blind man and the Pharisees questioning the healing. John 9:3 is my FAVORITE verse in the whole Bible which says: "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
Maybe I haven't been healed because God is using my illness to show other people/ non-believers His works. I'm not healed, but I'm not dead. I am still here and I am still living for God.
John 9: 24-41 is a journey. There are 5 steps along the way:
1. Jesus' grace and love. Jesus pursues us. He goes after us, and the farther we are from Him as non-believers the harded He tries. Have you had anyone geniunely pursue you?
2. Planting a seed. Jesus planted a seed in the blind man, who turned around and tried to get the Pharisees's to believe in Jesus.
3. Declare allegiance to Christ. (vs. 24)
4. Confidence has grown. It's OK not to have all the answers, but to have full confidence in Jesus.
5. Worship. Do you worship God in life's victories? Do you worship God in everyday moments? Do you worship God in inconviences? Do you worship God in desperate times?

Sunny Sunday afternoon

Today is a beautiful day! I actually got up early and went to the 9:15 service at church, and sat through the whole thing. After church I sat in the courtyard and started reading a highly recommended book called "Irresistible Revolution." I then went to a luncheon/meet and greet for people who live in Hays County to meet each other and talk about ways to get involved in the community. Now, I don't live in Hays County, but I live very close, only about 2-3 miles away. Plus, I have 2 friends that do live in Hays County and they couldn't make it so I went on their behalf.
I am home for a while, and then off to Austin New Church at 5pm. God is doing great things in that Church and the people in Far South Austin better get ready! Last Sunday there were 11 people that accepted Christ. I can't wait to see what happens tonight!!

5 of my blogging friends are pregant. Most of them are due in the spring, but all but one of them have had their previous babies go to Jesus too soon. Most of them lost their babies in the past year, and they have older children who are now asking if this new baby will be able to stay with them on Earth or go to Jesus too soon. Please be in prayer for these woman and their families and their unborn babies. You can read their stories on their sites:
Tobie - has 2 1/2 yr old twins ( 1 baby in Heaven) and a 1 year old, due in the Spring
Nancy- has a 2 1/2 yr old (born at 28 weeks), due at the end of 2008
Susie - has a 2 year old, and a baby in Heaven, due in the Spring
Emily - has 2 young girls, a baby in Heaven, due in the Spring
Kenzie - has a 2 yr old, a baby in Heaven, and Faith Claire is due in 2-3 months

Emily and I have been e-mailing back and forth recently and she wrote an amazing piece for Lifeway during the summer that is a MUST read, especially for moms: Devine Appt.

I took my feeding pump and stuff to church this morning to take a feed. Not knowing what was being served for lunch I wasn't even going to try to eat. I actually met a woman whose son also has a feeding tube, so we got to talk about tubes, pumps, Dr.'s, etc.
Today starts day 1, again of less food and more feeds.
I had to put a pain patch on Thursday afternoon, but took it off Friday night because the side effects were too much for me.
I baby-sat Friday night for a friend, and after the twins had gone to bed I watched a movie called: The Ultimate Gift . It is a great movie, and I highly recommend it.
Yesterday, my mom and I went to IKEA ( my favorite store) to get the finishing pieces for my bathroom. I got all matching decor from Target, and the shelves from IKEA. It's still too bright for me, but that's ok, it looks pretty. The paint chip said Fall Gold, not Surface of the Sun!
Tomorrow the guy from ABC is coming to set a live trap for Mr. Racoon that lives in my chimney. Hope he gets caught quick and can be moved to a new home.

This week looks to be stressful and busy, as I try to "fix" a problem from last week, have 2 therapy sessions ( first time in 4 months, other than my "crisis" from last week, a lunch date with a friend, and have one maybe two community groups to attend.

Oh, and being a "lab rat" is going well. I am actually sleeping at night now without the use of sleeping pills. Friday night I slept for 10 hours!!! Yeah for sleeping!!!

Sunday night

Today has been a lazy day. I haven't felt well today, and had too much pain while taking a tube feed that I stopped. I'm calling the GI Dr. in the morning to try to get in sooner. I've been in so much pain the past few days that I am thinking about putting on a fentyl pain patch. My tube site is trying to heal, but can't so it had been bleeding and oozing last night and today. It is red and sore, but the surgeon says that is normal. This week will be 6 weeks with the tube.

My new battle had to do with my stomach and brain battling each other.

Because my tube is in my small intestine, it bypasses my stomach. But I still get all the nutrients I need through my tube, when I take feeds. Even still, my stomach is telling my brain that it is starving, which is causing me to eat substanial amounts of food which makes my stomach and body worse. It is a daily, minute by minute struggle, that I don't know how to win or if I will win.

My brother and family survived the hurricane and is working on a way to get to Austin, as their city is being shut down until they get water, power, and get cleaned up. My dad's best friend ( who is a woman), and her roommate and cat are also working on a way to get to Austin to stay with my dad, as their city has no water or power either. And it maybe weeks before either city has power and water.

I didn't make it to church this morning or this evening. I just didn't feel like it and couldn't talk myself into going. But, this week I will be starting a new Bible Study/ Community Group and I am hoping that it turns out to be OK. I left my old CG due to girl drama. Yes, even young adult women have girl drama. I'm really wanting to meet some new people and make new friends. My CG was the only connection I had to the outside world, and now I have lost that. I have been so lonely at home. I still don't have much stamina and get tired quickly.

I better get strong quick because I signed up to be a volunteer with the Lance Armstrong LiveStrong Challenge next month in Austin.

But I signed up for that for 2 reasons. 1 ~ I love volunteering and although I know that I am not strong enough to walk 5 kms, I knew that I could be a volunteer for a few hours. 2~ My best friend and I are going to the Carrie Underwood concert the weekend after the challenge, so working it will be like a test to see if I can make it through the concert. We bought tickets before I got sick the last time, but we both love Carrie Underwood, and I don't want to let my friend down by not going.

That's all for now, got to back back to lay on my heating pad.

and the storm rages on

I am going to get blood work and a mammogram later this week, as I am starting to show signs of breast cancer. My mom, grandmother, and great aunt all had breast cancer, so I am at a higher risk.

My tube feedings are coming along. I still am only getting 2-3 cans of formula a day, but if I can stay up with only eating bland foods, then I can get my calories from both formula and food. My mother told me something the other day that finally made everything sink in. She said, " eating only makes it worse." She is right. Me eating "real" foods only makes my body sicker and in more pain. So, back to bland we go.

Tonight is community group and I haven't been in 6 weeks. I called the leader of the group this afternoon and asked if he would be willing to lead the group in a laying of the hands prayer time for me and he said yes. My community group has been there for me these past few months. Some of the girls have visited me in the hospital, and some of the guys have come to my house to fix somethings that were broken. I know that they have been praying for me, but I feel the need and desire for them to pray over me. They are my only connection to church right now and without them I am so lonely.