in MY weakness HE is strong

I hit rock bottom earlier this afternoon.
I recieved an e-mail from another blogging friend, one that I'd been waiting for for a while. While reading her e-mail and then replying to it, I started crying, and didn't stop for almost 45 min. later. Reading ALL that I have been through, not just in the past year, but my whole life, was vary harrowing for me. It brought back a flood of emotions, replay's of my life, and it made me even more determined to find someone who KNOWS what they are talking about reguarding my medical care.
During my meltdown, I made me a iTunes playlist of songs that would help me get through my current situation. I took my Bible, started reading one particular passage, and started praying. With the music playing in my ears, scripture in my head, and God filling me with HIS strength, I drifted off to sleep. Awakeing almost 2 hours later, feeling somewhat refreshed, and a little bit stronger.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. This weekend, I feel will not end up good, meaning I will find myself in the hospital by the end of it. I'm hurting, I can't keep food down, tube feeds hurt.
I want to share the scripture passage, that I have taken to be my new life passage.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10, (The Message)
"Because of the extravagance of those revelations,
and so I wouldn't get a big head,
I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.
Satan's angel did his best to get me down;
What he in fact did was push me to my knees.
No danger then of walking around high and mighty!
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.
Three times I did that, and then he told me,
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

News of all Sorts

I have so much to write, but not enough awake time, it's already past 1am. So, just the basics, then a full post in the morning.
I found a pain management Dr. and have an appt. for next Tursday. Which means, that I can continue taking my mega- pain meds, and know that I will get re-fills next week.
I picked up my prescription for my liquid anti-naseau med tonight and took some of it through my tube, and then got the worse taste in my mouth. It tasted like I had eaten a green marker. The liquid was green, so go figure.
I called my therapist to make an appt. for this week and she had an opening for this afternoon. So, I spent a hour in theraphy, and had a little meltdown, but started crying, because have been hurt from so many things pertaining church issues ( will go into more detail in next post), and haven't dealt with the hurt, not knowng how to or wanting to.
I got my 1st check for disability today. I wasn't suppose to get one till the last week in Nov., so this check was a welcome surprise.
All for now, off to bed.
More in morning.

Everything that can go bad has gone bad today

Today has been a very crappy day. My swelling is increasing, and has now spread to both my ankles and feet. My ankles are the size of baseballs and hurting. My last stitch came out, thus allowing the complete tube to fall out, and my mom had to push it back in. I just feel bad all around.
Tomorrow I will be on complete bed rest with both feet propped up, and only on tube feeds. If that does not make things better than I will go to the ER on Sunday or the DR. on Monday. I haven't decided yet, but it just depends on what happens tomorrow.
I started having an asthma attack tonight, and had to take my resuce inhaler which makes me very shaky. I had to take my pain patch off because I started having mood swings, which means I will go back to my morphine every 4-6 hours.
I had another meltdown tonight and when my mom asked how she could help I told her that she could put me out of my misery. I just don't know how long I can keep going like this. I HATE that the Dr.s don't know what is going on or how to fix it. I HATE that my life has come to where it is. I'm 27 years old, have a feeding tube, and have several undiagonised medical condtions that may never be fully revealed, and there is no Dr. in Austin that can tell me what is wrong, because they have never had a patient like me that has so many disfunctions at the same time.

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight because I can just sense that something is not right and I am afraid that I will not wake up in the morning. My mom really thinks that staying on bedrest tomorrow might "fix" me. I HATE that she keeps coming up with "lets try this or that" when she herslef has no idea what is going on or how to fix it. She knows that I should go to the ER tonight, but because she hates the hospital and I've been in it for 7 weeks this summer, she can't stand to go back.
Can't anyone just admit that they don't know what is going on with me instead of guessing?
Please pray that I will make it through the night and that I will either be able to go to the ER tomorrow or that I will be better.

Also, my friend Tricia is sick, please pray that she will get better soon. She already has a weakened immune system from her transplant and now her chemo.