First off, Stellan is still in the PICU and still in his hometown. It seems that God is once again working a miracle through his life. To find out more, click his prayer button to the right.
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On to how I feel.
I have been recently diagonised with post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
People that usually have PTSD are military men & women who have fought in war(s), first responders (police, firefighters, EMS, etc), people who have witnessed first hand some kind of horrible bad thing (a murder, a rape victim, bombing victims, car accident victims, etc).
Other people that might have it are people like me. People who have spent countless months or years in and/or out of the hospital, who have been very close to death, who have been told there is nothing more medically that can be done, etc.
These past 8 weeks have been the longest ever. It's also been the longest time in the past 16 months that I've been out of the hospital/ER.
But, it's also been the longest time that I've been away from God. And the reprucussions from that are just hitting me. No church, no prayer, no Bible reading, nothing. Slowly, I am starting to see that abandoning God was probably not the smartest idea. But, I am having great questions of how a God so loving and kind and who doesn't want to see His children hurting, can let a child of His hurt for so long.
In 15 months I have gone from a healthy, life loving, love to work, always in Church on Sunday person to a weak, sick, can barely get out of bed much less the house, haven't been to church in 6 weeks person.
And all for what? At first I thought, and I still do think , it was because God wanted to use me to show people that even though I was sick and fighting for my life, I was still living for Him and I was more than willing to let God work through me. But now, I'm not so sure.
But, the one thing that I am sure of is this: no matter how far I go down the road without God, He is ALWAYS there, waiting with open arms for His children to return.
The following song is how I feel now.
It is by Natalie Grant, and the title is "I Will Not Be Moved".
I have been a wayward child, I have acted out.
I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts.
And though sometimes, my prayers feel like there bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved.
Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score, of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed, that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn, and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On to how I feel.
I have been recently diagonised with post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.
People that usually have PTSD are military men & women who have fought in war(s), first responders (police, firefighters, EMS, etc), people who have witnessed first hand some kind of horrible bad thing (a murder, a rape victim, bombing victims, car accident victims, etc).
Other people that might have it are people like me. People who have spent countless months or years in and/or out of the hospital, who have been very close to death, who have been told there is nothing more medically that can be done, etc.
These past 8 weeks have been the longest ever. It's also been the longest time in the past 16 months that I've been out of the hospital/ER.
But, it's also been the longest time that I've been away from God. And the reprucussions from that are just hitting me. No church, no prayer, no Bible reading, nothing. Slowly, I am starting to see that abandoning God was probably not the smartest idea. But, I am having great questions of how a God so loving and kind and who doesn't want to see His children hurting, can let a child of His hurt for so long.
In 15 months I have gone from a healthy, life loving, love to work, always in Church on Sunday person to a weak, sick, can barely get out of bed much less the house, haven't been to church in 6 weeks person.
And all for what? At first I thought, and I still do think , it was because God wanted to use me to show people that even though I was sick and fighting for my life, I was still living for Him and I was more than willing to let God work through me. But now, I'm not so sure.
But, the one thing that I am sure of is this: no matter how far I go down the road without God, He is ALWAYS there, waiting with open arms for His children to return.
The following song is how I feel now.
It is by Natalie Grant, and the title is "I Will Not Be Moved".
I have been a wayward child, I have acted out.
I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts.
And though sometimes, my prayers feel like there bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved.
Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score, of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed, that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn, and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
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