How I make it through

I have been asked by alot of people how I can continue to keep a positive and upbeat attitude while it feels that my world is crumbling down around me. After everything that I have been through and going through in the past 3 and a half weeks, I have a much more deeper and personal relationship with God. Because not only have I watched my world crumble, I have watched Stellan's world crumble as well. And while watching how many millions of people are responding to Stellan and his medical condition, I have learned to see God in a whole new light. But, I heave learned that until I am truly broken before God, that is when God uses people (me) the best. I found a scripture passage on a fellow blogger's site, that I am now taking as my "life passage"

2 Corinthians 12:7-10, (The Message)
"Because of the extravagance of those revelations,
and so I wouldn't get a big head,
I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.
Satan's angel did his best to get me down;
What he in fact did was push me to my knees.
No danger then of walking around high and mighty!
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.
Three times I did that, and then he told me,
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

I don't know how many times I have begged God to "take me now", because I thought that I couldn't handle life, being sick, etc. anymore. But after reading this passage, in this version, I realized that I had it all wrong. Instead of begging God to "take it away" I have started asking God to reveal His strength to me. Because when I am most broken and at my weakest point, that is when MY God is strongest. And it is through that strength that I can continue living each day, with the pain and no answers. I have stopped looking at my medical stuff as a curse or something that I did wrong to deserve all this, but I also have another life verse in

John 9:3 that says "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

My hope is that someone somewhere will see that everyday I get up and try my best to push through the pain and live my life, someone will see that and ask how I can do it, and in that moment God's grace, love, and mercy will shine through and I will be able to tell that person that I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for God's strength given to me, and to all of us... if we just ask. As of today I don't know what the future hold for me. I will be making phone calls to several high profile hospitals around the country, hopng that someone has heard of my problems and has the cure or right treatment, since all efforts here in Austin have been exhausted. Returning to St. Louis for medical care is no longer an option either. I am taking "baby steps" to get my life back on track. Going back to church last week and this week is the first step. Finding my "Family of God" is the second step. Keep moving forward is the 3rd step. I did that by volunteering with the quints on Friday, and if my health stays the same, that will become a weekly thing for me. But I also know without the love and support that I have been getting from people, and all the prayers that I am getting are helping in a HUGE way as well.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for praying and for interceeding to God on my behalf.