Monday night

Today has been another lazy day. I am still not feeling that well, and my pain and nausea are back with a vegeance. Today I did my laundry for the first time in 2 months, picked up my room a little and put my shelving unit together for my bathroom. But, those 3 things completly wore me out. I finally filled out my disability paperwork and mailed it. One of the questions on there was odd: Do you have any fears? Yeah, I am afraid of death. I don't know why, but since getting sick I have had this great fear that I am going to die soon. My body has been though so much trauma and hurt these past 4 months, that I am afraid that it is going to give out. And my therapist told me that a reason of my isnoumina is that my sub-consciousness is protecting my body by not letting me fall asleep. That may be very true, but I know I shouldn't be afraid I know where I'm going, but I'm young and still have so much to live for. But no one knows when they will die. Anybody can get in their car and drive somewhere and be killed in a car accident.

My mom and I were going to go to Marie Callendar's for dinner tonight ( I've been craving their meatloaf), but as we were leaving the neighborhood, I changed my mind and we went to Whataburger instead.

I have 3 prayer requests for tonight:
1. A friend of mine's daughter is in the hospital with pneoumina. Dakota is 2 1/2 and was born at 25 weeks, and still has loads of medical problems. She spent 8 months in the NICU, and this is her 3-4 hospitalization this year. You can check her website for updates and her story:
Dakota Rose . Her mom and I are becoming good friends, because Dakota also has a feeding tube, so her mom has been giving me advice, and she came and saw me in the hospital.
2. Another blogging friend, Trica, had her 4th round of chemo this morning and is feeling the side effects from this. Tricia has Cystic Fibrosis and had a double lung transplant in April of 2008, then she got post-transplant lukemia. Tricia and her family have inspired and encouraged me and so many thousands of other people around the world. Her husbands blog has had almost 6 millon hits since January, the birth of their daughter Gwyenth Rose, born at 24 weeks. Please check out her husband's blog : http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/ , for updates and the full story.
3. I just recieved an urgent e-mail from a guy in my singles dept. at church telling me that another one of our single's mom is hovering near death, as she is being taken off life support tonight. The guy who is dealing with his mom and I have had several conversations this summer about our voices and how they are different and how people have made fun of us for our differences and how we are living with it. My is different because I was entubated ( put on a ventaliator) so many times as an infant and young child that my voice box is scarred for life. His is different because he was in a horrific car accident and his voice box was damaged during the crash. Please keep the Watt's family in your prayers as they are dealing with this and for peace and strength after his mom's death.

After writing my "relationship" piece yesterday I had a much better day today with concerning that issue. I didn't think about her at all today and was able to focus on other things. I knew writing it down and getting it out would be good.

That's all for tonight, it's late and I'm off to bed.

Life and sleeping ( or lack of it)

Life has been so difficult for me. Life doesn't care that I am sick and having a hard time dealing with everything that is going on with that, life still happens and doesn't slow down.
Yesterday I spent most of the morning and part of the afternoon with my grandfather who is very emotionally abusive. He wanted me (and no one else) to take him to McCoy's to buy $400 worth of I don't know what. Well, actually he bought a 2ft by 6ft by 2ft feed/water trough for the deer and other wildlife in his backyard, 4 cans of spray paint, 1 gallon of paint, 250ft of electrical wire, 2 sawhorses, a pair of pliers, and a bunch of other crap. After realizing that the trough wasn't going to fit in my grandmother's car, my grandfather got very upset and cussed out the young man helping us, and cussed me out. I felt bad for the both of us, and knew there was nothing I could or wanted to say to make the young man feel better. He was very grateful when I came back in my mom's SUV without my grandfather. I told him I was sorry for the way that my grandfather treated him, and he said it was OK, but it wasn't. I don't know how many times my family has been out in public with my grandfather and he has gotten angery and cussed someone out and yelled at them. It's not acceptable and my family puts up with him because that is what they have done all of their lives. I won't do it though, and they don't understand that. No one should be treated the way that my grandfather treats us and others, but I refuse to be treated like that. When he starts up on me, I leave the room, and usually the family for a few days or weeks, until I feel like it's safe for me again. My family tells me to forget and move on, but I have been abused so many times before that I say no in this stance. It's the one abuse situation that I can take myself out of, and I'm glad for that.

I have been in theraphy as long as I can remember. I think that I started when I was 8, which was almost 20 years ago. Alot of my theraphy was forced and I had no control over who I was seeing, what drugs I was taking, or anything like that. I was forced into the mental hospitals when I was was 10-12 years old. I was forced into the mental hospital and later residental treatment center when I was 16. I had no control over any of it.
But now I do. I started attending a new church last year, and kinda of opened about everything within the first month of meeting a new person (I will never do that again), and she didn't know what to say or do and recommended that I see the church's therapist. I put it off for a few months, but I start going at the first of this year, and I LOVE IT ! I am so glad that I have someone to go to and talk once or twice a week. She has helped me so much this year and there were times when I thought I was making progress, but felt like I wasn't and she reassured me that I was. For so long, she was concerned that I wasn't crying over things that should be cried over ( death of my dog and grandfather in the same week) (putting a stop on a very emotional, hard, and stressful relationship), etc. But now, since getting sick, I cry over everything. I forgot how good it feels to cry and I cry over the littlest things, but I feel so good afterwards. Who would have thought? Before I got sick, my biggest problem was relational and lack of trust. I couldn't look people in the eyes because I have always been afraid of people, which she is helping me overcome that, and now I actually make an effort to look people in the eyes. It is still hard for me, but with her help I am learning not to fear people.
But everything changed after I got sick and returned from being hospitalized for so long. Life is no longer about what may happen, but about what is happening. I now know how short life is and I don't want to worry about ifs. Theraphy is no longer about "fixing" my emotional problems and relational problems, it is now about getting through the days, and weeks, and how to make the best of life, because I don't know how long I will be on earth. It's about living with a disease that has no cure and how that affects my life. It's about accepting life and death and dealing with what God has given me.

But what happens when one doesn't deal with life's problems? They get insoumina. I have had it for 3 weeks, and I can't tell you how exhausted I am. I have tried about 6 different sleeping pills from my Dr. and nothing is working. I haven't been able to go to sleep until about 4am, and then I only sleep till 9:30 or 10am. Tonight, I will try an "experment" given to me by my therapist. Different things to do just before bed, every night for a week. Will I sleep and go to sleep at a normal time? Oh I hope so.
This is not to say that I am not dealing with life's problems, because I am, but more things keep coming up that I feel are more important and the other issues get put aside.

This is all for now, I am off to be a "lab rat" !