Hell Weekend

So, my previous post finally got the better of me and I had a complete nervous breakdown yesterday afternoon.
And since I'm pretty sure not very many people read this blog I'm going to share some of my more important secrets.
I am human. Things right now are BAD for me. I am being honest and opening my heart, which is something that I don't normally do. I have reached my breaking point, and if life throws me another curve ball, I honestly don't think that I will be able to handle it.
First off, I am REALLY struggling this weekend with my depression and bi-polar disorder. And after being told yesterday in the ER that no psych hospital will take me because of my medical issues, I wanted to scream. I have had 3 panic attacks within less than 24 hrs. This morning after my dad bailed on me again, after promising to come over and help with "guy" things around the house I threw my phone at the wall. To say that I was PISSED would be an understatement.
Secondly, I had to put on a fentanyl pain patch ( I haven't need one in 6+ months) on, because the other pain med is doing nothing on the small dose that I am on, and I am running VERY low on my pain pills and other than waiting a week to see a new Dr. that might give me more pain meds the only other way to get more is to get admitted to the hospital.

So, in conclusion, I am having the weekend from HELL. I don't know how this weekend is going to end, up or down, in the hospital or not.

To anyone that actually reads this I need all the prayers that I can get. Prayers for my safety, prayers that my meds will kick in and start working, prayers that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Feelings

So, I have depression and bi-polar disorder. As long as I'm on my meds I'm fine, but 2 days without them and my moods are going everywhere. Such as the past few days. For whatever reason I haven't taken them, and I'm suffering. I feel like crying and tears have come to my eyes several times today. But, after sending a bad e-mail this afternoon, and recieving some harsh comments, and I am angery and upset.

When I was growing up, I had such a hard time making friends, infact, I still do today. But, the friends that I did make, I am still friends with, except they are all adults, except one, who I am re-building an old relationship with. But, back to the adults. I have been hurt by so many people my age growing up, that I never could trust anyone, I still can't today, not very well anyways.
I remember that as a child I would take things from my house and give them to my "friends" to buy their friendship and love. It would work temporarly, but then they would hate me again.
I am thinking that I am doing that again. I have made a new friend, an adult friend, but a friend. Am I returning to my old ways to try to buy her friendship and love? Do I really think that she won't love me for who I am? Or, am I just being friendly and giving gifts and cards because that's the kind of person that I am? But if the latter is true, then why can she not just accept the gifts and cards with a open, grateful heart? Why must she put up such a fight? Just accept the #$%& present or card and go on. Why is that so hard for people?